Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Is This Anti-Semitic?

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

I'm saying no, since I went to school with a lot of people who had Jewish grandparents -- so I'm clear. And it's funny, which pretty much gives it a Get-Out-Of-Liberal-Jail-Free card.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Maybe Mr. Burns Has The One Trillion Dollar Note?

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I prefer to think of it as a new Mastercard with a really high limit...
Well, This Is Awkward

I gotta say, I think Tina Fey makes a much better Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin does. After watching her interview with Katie Couric, it's clear that the GOP has learned from the Dick Cheney Experience and gone with Dan Quayle 2.0. Good times!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

We're For A Small Government -- Balls, Not Pockets

From an article on the public reaction to Congress having the "audacity" to want to control executive pay as part of the bailout bill:

"We support the bill, but we are opposed to provisions on executive pay," said Scott Talbott, senior vice president for government affairs at the Financial Services Roundtable, a trade group. "It is not appropriate for government to be setting the salaries of executives."

Apparently it's appropriate for the government to bail out these jackholes, but NOT appropriate to mandate how the money is spent? GFY, my friend. GFY.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Was FEMA Called In?

Auburn (shout out to my sister's alma mater) STOMPED Mississippi State 3-2 last Saturday. "It was a true defensive game,"said Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville. Um, no. This was OFFENSIVE. As in "I might call Amnesty International if I were forced to watch this game." But Sominex has just signed up to sponsor both teams for the remainder of the season.

On the bright side, I watched a great 1-0 soccer game last night.
Do As I Say, Not As I Do

What I love about Condi Rice is that she sticks to a deal. Some people, like Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Donnie "Buster" Rumsfeld, might ditch a floundering administration in search of dignity or integrity, but Condi is the most loyal supporting actress since Eva Braun. Condi's a Russia expert, so she knows that the country, and especially Putin, are pathologically afraid of being marginalized (just as Bush is pathologically afraid of admitting a mistake). So, she makes a public address to say:

"Russia's invasion of Georgia has achieved -- and will achieve -- no strategic objective," Rice said. "Russia's leaders will not accomplish their primary war aim of removing Georgia's government. And our strategic goal now is to make it clear to Russia's leaders that their choices are putting Russia on a one-way path to self-imposed isolation and international irrelevance."

The best part is her apparent inability to remember the Bush Doctrine (Sarah Palin knows how she feels) or to refuse to allow The Bear the same violent, xenophobic powers W claimed for himself. To be fair, though, Putin hasn't overseen nearly as many failed companies.

Friday, September 19, 2008

No Need For Emergency Bratwurst Shipments

This was in my inbox today:
Dear Joe XXXXX Richardson (blocked for security),

I'm very sorry to hear about the recent disaster that affected your community. Please know that Discover Card is here to help you through this difficult time.

We can assist you with locating ATMs, issue emergency PINs to access cash, and provide additional/replacement cards for immediate use. You can also view your statement summary online and make an immediate payment or schedule a payment in advance – whenever it's most convenient for you. We also have additional services for qualified accounts that may be helpful.

Thanks for being a Discover Cardmember. If there is anything we can do to serve you better, please let us know. Knowledgeable Account Managers are available to assist you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at
1-888-668-8767, or you can always visit Discover.com.

Well, finally! The 'dorf was hit hard by Hurricane Ike, with SEVERAL Citi employees (ok, well, one) able to go to work on time on Monday. But Discover was able to help me find an ATM so that I could buy lunch. Thank God!
Apparently God Does Have A Sense of Humor

So, while there hasn't been definitive research that people look like morons while wearing their Star Trek-inspired Bluetooth headsets, research has shown that these men are less likely to have kids. This proves two theses:

1. There is a God (or other guiding force to the universe, possibly responding to the moniker "Dude")
2. S/He/It has a sense of humor.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

President But Not CEO

Former HP CEO Carly Fiorina thinks that none of the Pres or VP candidates could run a major company -- but they might be qualified to run the country. Um, no. I hate to break it to the majority of you who haven't worked for a major company, but most CEOs are as useless as FEMA during a hurricane. Here are the skills needed:

- A nice set of suits
- An offshore bank account
- Ability to weasel out of blame, preferably by means of a scapegoat
- inflated sense of importance
- no conscience or sense of ethics

I'm not advocating cynicism, just a reasonable comparison of skill sets.
Degrees of Incompetence

The best part of the Lehman bankruptcy announcement is that it gives us a good indicator of just how bad this financial crisis is:

"Lehman was only incompetent enough to blow up and destroy themselves, where as Bear's degree of incompetence was enough to threaten the entire financial system,"

Now major collapses have to be sorted into categories. I offer this system for your approval:

Paticle Accelerator: Possible lack of effects, also possible end of universe. Definite job and income boost for those involved.
Texas Rangers: Expected, doesn't affect anyone outside the bank
Dallas Mavericks: Partially due to foreign and regulatory problems
New York Yankees: Formerly dominant team/company collapses under the weight of its own hubris
British Empire: Hubris threatens world order but ends up being not such a huge deal
Roman Empire: Causes collapse of entire civilization

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I WIN!!!

Surprise parties are not easy, especially when planned from afar. But because I'm just so awesome (or lucky, reports vary), I pulled off TWO within 24 hours.

My dad turned 65 last week (date withheld for security reasons), and didn't know I was coming to Dallas (much like some of you). The plan was for the other two Wemyssi to go with me to Nac in my craptacular rental car (post coming soon!) and surprise Dad at dinner. Mom, Carin & Noah distracted him and delayed eating as long as possible until we arrived. When we finally showed up, I walked in first and the look on Dad's face was priceless -- utter nonrecognition. He looked me square in the eye and resumed eating. Then Noah got up to see me, at which point Dad looked up again and recognized Chad and Courtney and started beaming. FINALLY, he realized that the potential pederast hugging his grandson was, in fact, me. To be fair, I was wearing a new shirt.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Did The Train Have A Credit Card Stolen?

In a "news" article on CNNSI.com, (I put "news" in quotations as it's hardly news when Italian soccer fans act violently), it was reported that the fans did $730,000 worth of damage to a train. This is just not possible. Even with the devaluation of the dollar, NONE of the trains I've been on in Italy could be worth more than $150,000, tops. They are shitboxes. Clearly this is a case of either the government being overcharged for trains or of officials lining their pockets by overestimating damages -- both far from implausible in Italy.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Dealing With Olympics Withdrawal

Having trouble making it through the day with no beach volleyball, Redeem Team or Michael Phelps fix? Here's a little trick I discovered to keep the Olympic spirit alive.

When I enter an elevator with other people, I give them a quick glance and then "race" them to touch the button for my floor. When I win, I immediately start jumping and yelling "YES!", often adding tears of joy if I can muster them.

As they leave the elevator, stand at attention, put your hand over your heart and start singing "The Star Spangled Banner". This really gets the crowd going.

However, I've found that draping myself in the flag is overkill. And HR just instituted a "no gold medal" dress code, so check your company's policy first.

Since we won't be seeing any children named Katrina anytime soon, I guess we should thank the Weather Nerds for killing the name Gustav for the foreseeable future. Actually, I think that tropical storms should be named after book, movie and comic villains. If my house were destroyed, I would prefer it to be done by Hurricane Vader than Hurricane Jane (though that has a nice ring to it).

And why can't we sell naming rights to these (before the season starts)? I think some of the costs of the service could be offset by angry men & women naming violent storms after their exes. Or as a birthday present. Hurricane Chaddissimo, anyone?