Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Tong, Ta-Tong, Tong, Tong

You'd be smiling, too, if you had Orange-Chipotle chicken on the grill.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Larry Fine, Patron Saint of Easily Stolen Objects

As my train left the station on Friday afternoon, I realized I'd managed to leave my hoodie in the basket on my bike. Oh well, easy come, easy go. Over the weekend I kept joking that the homeless people and drug addicts of the dorf were honest, salt-of-the-earth types. And as I walked back to unlock Larry Fine, what do I see but a blue hoodie in the basket? The way I see it, there are three explanations:
1. The homeless people, drug addicts and random jackasses at the train station in the dorf are honest, salt-of-the-earth types
2. The light-fingered inhabitants of the dorf feel that my hoodie isn't cool enough for them
3. My bike, Larry Fine, performed a miracle of protection & saved my hoodie.

Now we see that the 1st two are clearly impossible, so, applying Occam's razor, the third must be true. If any of you have contacts at the Vatican, let me know.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Why Are Captain America & A Mexican Wrestler Fighting Spider-Man?

And why is the guy dressed like Spidey wearing glasses UNDER his mask? And killing a woman in the shower? If any of you are fans of Turkish cinema, let me know the answers.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Layoffs Will Continue To INCREASE Morale

The best part of, a website devoted to news of the financial industry is that clueless douchebags are comfortable unburdening their souls there (anonymously, of course). For instance, the recent post of an exec that believes that cutting pay of VPs and above will only "breed resentment":

"I hope that the executives who run our firm resist the temptation to take the 'easy option' (if there is such a thing) and seek pay cuts. They will be no good for morale, and, in the end, no good for our overall business. Better to cut more heads and move on."

To his credit, while he is volunteering NOT to take a pay cut to save coworkers, he is also volunteering NOT to become part of the Pink Slip Parade.


Monday, April 20, 2009

Soooooo Glad I Waited On This One

More panorama fun!

After 3 years, I finally made it to the Grafenberger Wald for a bike ride. As the only hill AND only forest in town, it's something. About 20 minutes from my place, it's beautiful. Lots of peaceful paths for biking or walking. And apparently horseback riding, a horseracing track, golf course and area for gliders. It's quite nice. If only I had a mountain bike, I could enjoy all the paths -- Larry Fine proved that 3 gears, city tires and no suspension is just not what you want for trail riding.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Stupid Parisian Skyscraper

When you have a room on the 25th floor of a Paris hotel, you kind of expect to be able to see the Eiffel Tower -- it's the cornerstone of the Paris skyline. Not from the 13th Arrondisement (French for "'hood"). We managed to stay in what's possibly the only tall hotel in Paris WITHOUT a view of the Tower (and why Paris has blocked other skyscrapers within the central city) -- the large building to the left of center is obscuring it. As for other Paris landmarks, you can barely make out Montmartre through the haze on the horizon. And that's it -- no Notre Dame, no Île de la Cité, no Arc de Capituation. Nice view of the old prison to the right of center, though.

And, no, I haven't been back to Paris since October, but I did learn how to make panoramas in Photoshop Elements.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Hells Angels Open 1st Pakistani Chapter

Lahore (JT) The Hells Angels biker gang officially kick started their first chapter in Pakistan. "We felt it was time, plus we just like being in Lahore. Heh. In addition, we're able to get much closer to our main heroin suppliers, the Taliban, which is important -- you always want to keep tight control of the supply chain," said spokesman Rosemont "Rosie" Smith. "It's just so great to see these guys with their beards ready to kick ass, sell drugs and stick it to the man. They're just so psyched to get into it -- they keep asking how they can come to America and help us really mix it up. I've never seen recruits with such a hard-on for taking on The Man."

According to local chapter head Maulana "Buster" Fazlullah, the new members planned to celebrate the chapter's opening by each marrying another teenage girl then "kick in the teeth of some asshole who thinks he's better than us because he can read and bathed this month."

Photo courtesy of the NY Times

Thursday, April 16, 2009

You're a Friend, But Only In Small Doses

In a change from its normal policy of fluff reporting on such facile claptrap as Afghanistan, the Economy*, and the Knicks**, the New York Times has come out with some Woodward-and-Bernstein-style reporting on one of the major issues of our time -- Facebook and its new design. Not since the Red Menace has the USA been faced with a threat to our way of life to match the new Facebook. How can we survive in the face of this horror? The Times has an answer:

Ok, so it's too complicated for me to be bothered with summing up since it involves groups and possibly*** peyote. But, you know, don't live in fear. WOLVERINES!

* TARP requires me to capitalize the words "Economy", "Bailout", "Saint Geithner", and "Recovery".
** Yes, they still suck.
*** I didn't bother to read the whole article.

The Faux Friend Scale

We all have "friends" that we would never dream of turning to for help, people whose relationship to us bears no resemblance to that of our close friends. Of course, many of these "friends" develop into real friends, but until then? Faux Friends. The scale runs from 1 to 10, with 10 being the friend equivalent of navel lint -- it's attached to you but only because you're too lazy to get rid of it.

Faux Friend ArchetypeIdentifying CharacteristicsWhy Keep Them In My Life?Faux-tacity
Former Best FriendsYou used to be great pals but now you've drifted away.Remember the time...1
Team FriendsYou play sports with these guysHating your teammates only is cool if you're a professional athlete -- Just ask Kobe or TO 2
Work FriendsYou feign respect for the same set of management monkeysPiss him/her off and guess who's spotlighted for downsizing? 3
Church / Temple / Mosque / Cult FriendsYou see each other once a week -- 3 times a week if you're BaptistNot a good idea to piss off one of the Saved/Chosen/Anointed/Fallen Ones4
4 Drinks Into A Night FriendsThey were pretty cool after 3-9 pints of Guinness They are pretty cool after 3-9 pints of Guinness 5
Email Forward FriendsYou only communicate via "funny" email forwardsYou don't want to miss the upcoming "Best Daily Show Palin Jokes" list 6
"Let's Just Be Friends" FriendsThe tramp/asshat you were stupid/crazy enough to dateTwo words: Backslide Sex 7
Significant Other's FriendsYou see them once a month while still dating, which is once more than you will after breaking up.Two Words: Revenge Sex 8
Vacation FriendsEveryone is more appealing with a beach and a sunset in the backgroundBlowing them off will be EXTREMELY awkward when you bump into them in Aruba next year9
Facebook FriendsYou don't know where you met, but you know s/he's eating chicken for dinnerCriminals always choose someone with no contacts to execute as an example -- having a large number of these guys could buy you some time10

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My Chat With Herr Officer Wiggumstein

On my way back from the Packstation (if you're not at home when the delivery man comes, DHL puts your package in a vending machine that's open 24 hours a day), I decided to cut through the back of the train station because, well, I'm lazy*. As I'm leaving, The MAN tells me to stop. Apparently the signs that I thought were promoting mother-child walks are designating pedestrian areas.

After the older of the two cops flirted with the two women in front of me (I have to admit, I liked the cut of his jib), he asked me where I was from, etc. From there, instead of getting a lecture on bike safety or learning signs, we had a rambling conversation about USA vs. Germany, retirement costs, blues music, racism in the USA justice system, the death penalty, Texas, and a range of other topics. Unfortunately, his shift ended before I could find out a) why the dorf has so many hot female cops and b) if he could introduce me to any.

But no 15 Euro ticket for riding through the pedestrian area!

* In my defense, I'd just finished doing a brutal leg workout, so it's more justified than my normal laziness.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Was The Mick Juicing?

I'm reading "Ball Four", Jim Bouton's 1970 personal history of a year in pro baseball, had this bombshell on page 47:

"Mickey Mantle and Whitey Ford would go to other doctors sometimes and once Mantle got a vitamin shot from a quack who used an unsterile needle and almost missed a World Series game with a bleeding abscess on his hip."

Wasn't it everyone's favorite Jackass du YesterJour, Roger Clemens, that was getting vitamin B-12 shots in his hip? I tell you, all these Spankees are juicing. After the Bambino, it apparently became a tradition. Bastards.

Seriously, we castigate our current selection of athlete jackasses, but continue to lionize the drunk asshats of yesteryear. It's mind-boggling. Fortunately, my two favorite athletes of all-time, OJ Simpson and Wilt Chamberlain, are still paragons of virtue.

The King of Pop Has A Yard Sale

Wisely assuming that few would feel comfortable going to the Neverland Ranch garage or front yard, Jacko is putting his collection of weird crap up for auction. A selection of items being offered:

This statue should dispel any questions surrounding Mikey's racial, gender, and sexual identity issues

Fortunately, Mike's just a regular guy with no delusions of being anything more than he is

Photos courtesy of the NY Times or whomever they stole 'em from

Monday, April 13, 2009

Teach Your Kids Cavity Searching!

This is for all you parents out there. Have your children been asking you, "Mommy/Daddy/New Daddy, who are the fat lazy people at the fake doorway at the airport?"?

Well, with the Playmobil Security Check Point now you can answer and also teach them valuable new words and phrases, such as "racial profiling". The best part of this product? The comments. Including these gems:

"I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!". But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.
The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush)."


"Thank you Playmobil for allowing me to teach my 5-year old the importance of recognizing what a failing bureaucracy in a ever growing fascist state looks like. Sometimes it's a hard lesson for kids to learn because not all pigs carry billy clubs and wear body armor. I applaud the people who created this toy for finally being hip to our changing times. Little children need to be aware that not all smiling faces and uniforms are friendly. I noticed that my child is now more interested in current events. Just the other day he asked me why we had to forfeit so much of our liberties and personal freedoms and I had to answer "well, it's because the terrorists have already won". Yes, they have won. "

It's nice to know I'm not leading the online world in cynicism and snarkiness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Top Middle East Ally!

"A girl aged 10 or 12 can be married. Those who think she's too young are wrong and they are being unfair to her." Sheikh Abdul Aziz Al-Sheikh, grand mufti (interpreter of Islamic law) for the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

Which is good, as every good Wahhabi Muslim knows that prepubescent daughters are extremely valuable to fathers that may owe large sums of money to "a close friend". Of course, said "close friends" should abstain from sex with their "wives" until they* hit puberty -- at which point the wife can ask for a divorce.

Sarcasm doesn't even begin to cover the bubbling rage I feel when I read stories like this. 15 of the 19 9/11 hijackers, bankrolling the Taliban and Al Qaeda, funding suicide bombers across the Middle East (outside the kingdom, of course), and the designated government interpreter of Islamic law okaying fathers selling 7-year-old daughters to over-40 pals to cover gambling debts -- GFY, Saudi Arabia. G. F. Y.

I'm off to sleep before I lose my voice from all this cursing under my breath. Thank God the US government hasn't been propping up the ruling regime for the last 70 years or so. They definitely would never do anything like that**.

* The wives
** Except for in extreme cases, like Mexico, Honduras, Nicaragua, El Salvador, Columbia, Argentina, Brazil, Thailand, South Korea, Indonesia, ok, fine, everywhere except Canada and the countries that the CIA was never able to infiltrate.

MST4K Review

Like many of you, I mourned the loss of MST3K several years ago when the Sci-Fi Channel realized that ratings were creeping dangerously high. However, the gang has come back from their various solo projects (what non-media types call "jail time") to produce their trademark hilarity with far more current flicks -- Thanks to the magic of MP3s, the entire DVD oeuvre is open for mocking. How does it work? Play the MP3 at the same time you start the movie and you're gold. Every 10-15 minutes a robot voice will say a movie line to help you keep synchronized -- the same technology that Ashley Simpson uses during her "live" appearances.

I dove in with Iron Man -- hoping that its semi-ludicrous premise but high production values would produce comedy gold.

And it did. I can definitely recommend blowing $4 on some mocking comments during a movie. It's a bargain, since getting ME to make such comments costs $500+ and often leads to painful shushing from spouses.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

This Week on "Germany's Next Top Sandwich"

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I make a damn fine sandwich. Here's the recipe for my latest:

1. Call your mom & have her fly/drive over ASAP.
2. Buy some moroccan flat bread. Resist temptation to buy in bulk.
3. Cut a sandwich-sized chunk of bread & toast.
4. Apply a light coat of dijon mustard to one piece of bread and some slices of blue cheese (the stronger-tasting, the better -- skip the Bavarian Blue crap) to the other*.

5. Put a few slices of turkey between the bread and assemble the sandwich. Add a side of chips and salsa (homemade, if possible) and taste**.

6. After tasting something so tasty, you'll need to smack your newly-arrived momma. You can offer half your sandwich to her as a combination peace offering/explanation.

* Do not waste time on cleaning the stovetop before, during or after sandwich creation process.
** Or the countertops.

Auditions For The Darwin Awards Have Started

Unfortunately for the woman in this video, her attempt to lock up an early Darwin award by jumping over the fence and then swimming across the moat to play with polar bears DURING FEEDING TIME wasn't quite successful. Zoo officials were able to rescue her, though she did leave the ambulance twice before leaving the zoo, "to make friends with those cute lions" and "show that the cobras were misunderstood and harmless."

Sorry for the German feed. The announcer is just giving "details" -- though no reason why this moron chose to interrupt dinner with the largest animal to regularly feed on humans. The people interviewed are interesting.

10-year-old boy (0:23) - "I saw this crazy woman jump in and get bitten. It was AWESOME."
74-year-old woman (0:29) - "I haven't witnessed anyone risking death so stupidly since my uncle wore a yellow star on his coat on April Fool's in 1944."

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Go Ahead, Take That Extra Time To Wax

After stumbling on a commercial for Veet, I realized that men's grooming products just aren't aggressive enough in demonstrating the dramatic effects proper hair maintenance can have.

If actor Vin Diesel looks like this in the morning, how hideous must you be?

Veet for Men -- The only thing between you and looking like a terrorist*!

* This was just an excuse to post a photo of all-world jackass Khalid Sheikh Mohammed whose name came popping up in"Ghost Wars". This is one of my all-time favorite news photos.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Happy "Good" Friday

It definitely is a Good Friday here in the dorf -- sunny, warm (for April -- nearing 70F/21C) and a holiday! Yes, a holiday -- we get today and Monday off. Hooray!

But I think that calling today "Good Friday" is a bit insulting to Jesus. Sure, it turned out well later on (unless you happened to not be Christian anytime between 400 AD and 2009 AD) , but I'm pretty sure the original Good Friday was the absolute shittiest day of his life -- dragging a tree through the streets of Jerusalem, getting nailed to that tree, missing his Seder, then stabbed with a spear and bleeding to death. Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound like a good day. Of course, calling it "Shitty Friday" probably isn't going to pass muster with the Church, "Freaky Friday" is taken and "Incredibly Painful Friday" isn't very catchy. So, we're stuck with it. But don't expect JC to be in a good mood today.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Super Bowl Worthy?

Rexona Cristal - The most popular videos are here

New Rexona Commercial Feat. Gabriella Cilmi - The funniest videos clips are here

What do you think?

Champions League Diary: Bayern Munich-Barcelona 1st Leg, 2nd Half

45:30 - Munich apparently made a substitution, but I was in the shower. If it matters*, I'll mention it.

53:30 - Barcelona's Carles Puyol is carded for unsportsmanlike hair! Damn, this half is boring.

57:22 - I finally realize where I've seen Munich's tactics before: Homer Simpson's boxing career:
Moe: Okay, punching isn't your thing. But that's okay. You're not that kind of fighter. What you're gonna do is stand there while your opponent gets exhausted from over-punching.

65:21 - The German announcers have hit the schnapps and are now singing "Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop".

70:40 - With a great chance to narrow it to a 3-goal lead, the Müncheners go stylish with a tasty backheel to win some style points. But not, technically, a goal.

76:24 - Feeling a bit cocky, Barcelona uses one of their 3 substitutes to get steamed vegetables instead of a baked potato.

78:00 - The new Chad Vader videos aren't as good as the first season.

80:00 - One cool thing they do on Euro broadcasts is list the distance each player has run. Barcelona's Yaya just left the game having run 8.67km (about 5mi), while the team on average has run 8.72km.

82:00 - So it wasn't Toni that was the captain that got beaten for the crosses, it was Oddo. This would be easier if I had an HD receiver.

84:00 - Klinsmann and Hönness look like they have spent the last 80 minutes realizing that paella they had for lunch wasn't fresh.

86:00 - Chad Vader disappointed, but I thought Thor's Kitchen was funny.

87:20 - The Bayern 'keeper looked shell-shocked when hit in the face with a ball from about 10 feet away. Not a night going on his personal highlights DVD, I'm betting.

90:00 + 2:25 - Munich is apparently hoping that only 2nd half results count for Champions League standings, as "half-assed" would be a generous description of their efforts to reduce their deficit.

Game Over! Ugh. Apparently my NCAA talent of watching only blowouts carries over to soccer. One last question, why does the Joop! fragrance commercial still have an English voiceover? How much would it cost to record "Joop! fragrances for men," in German?

* i.e. if the sub scores 3 or more goals. Or is exceptionally mock-worthy -- a tough challenge on a team with Ribery, Toni and Schweinsteiger.

Champions League Diary: Bayern Munich-Barcelona 1st Leg, 1st Half

Bayern Munich, the Yankees of the Bundesliga, have made the quarters of the UEFA Champions League. They're off to Barcelona for a nice paella, a pitcher or two of sangria and perhaps a match against Barcelona.

Pregame: I have to say, this whole "grab kids to wear the opposing uniform and pose for pregame photos is kind of bizarre. It's always fun when one of the munchkins is so stunned by being in front of 60,000 people that she just kind of stumbles around in a trance until Messi points out the right direction.

2:00 - Critics worried that Bayern would play conservatively, but their 9-1 formation allows Luca Toni an entire half of the field to dive and gel his hair. Not quite enough room, one would guess. Bayern has left star left back Philip "Rack of" Lahm on the bench, presumably

5:13 - Samuel Eto'o beats the Bayern 'keeper like a rented goalie but can't quite get enough on the shot. He calls his agent to ask for a transfer.

8:01 - GOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLL! Lionel Messi shows why he's only a monster coke habit, a lifetime pass to KFC and a ginormous ego away from being the next Maradona.

10:50 - Rafa Marquez shows that if it's not the USA in the opposing shirts, he's a) a decent defender and b) not a total punkass bitch.

12:00 - GOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLL! Eto'o wasn't satisfied with almost scoring and getting an assist and takes a sweet ball from Messi to beat my high school team's offsides trap (again on the Lahm-less left side of the Munich "D"). He celebrates his goal by calling a press conference to claim that Barcelona doesn't appreciate him enough.

17:00 - YELLOW CARD! Being the next Maradona means you have to dive, roll and whine at every opportunity, and Messi is living up to his rep. Sweet to see someone booked for such poor acting. Guardiola, the Barca manager is tossed for whining about not being gifted a 3rd goal.

18:30 - Not a good sign when your best striker has the ball cleanly stripped on a slide tackle by THE OPPOSITION'S STRIKER. On the replay, though, it's clear that Toni was unfairly distracted by a mirror and hair product on the sidelines.

21:30 - Henry hits a touch shot just wide of the post and slides into the keeper (Butt, insert your own joke here) -- cleats up into his face. Kind of bullshit -- he could've made some effort to avoid him.

24:00 - Someone needs to cut off the Bayern keeper's rattail. Apparently his hair stylist has been studying the yearbook photos of my middle school classmates.

27:00 - After the restart from the face-stitching, Munich looks content to sit on their 2-goal deficit. It's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see how it pays off.

29:00 - Munich celebrates their only real possession in the Barcelona half by having two guys offside in completely non-threatening positions. That's the Capone-on-tax-evasion of soccer stupidity.

33:00 - Rather than open a partisan bottle of Franziskaner or Rioja, I retain my blogger integrity with a neutral gin and tonic.

37:00 - GOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLL! For some reason Toni was "guarding" Henry along the baseline & gave up a cross that went through 3 or 4 Munich players to Messi who taps it in from 4 inches off the line. I haven't seen a team of Germans look this inept since Hogan's Heroes.

42:00 - GOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLL! Van Bommel throws a shoulder into Messi's face, then apparently feels almost guilty & passes it to Henry for an easy goal. Should've been at least a yellow in addition to a goal.

45:00 - Bayern, in spite of looking outnumbered in both halves, manages to put together a nifty little play in the Barca box. Ribery mistakes the Barca 'keeper for a bear & tries to distract him by kicking the ball harmlessly parallel to the goal.

Halftime - Whether or not Landon Donovan learned anything from his 2 months in Germany with Bayern, they clearly learned from him how to disappear in big road games. Bayern has played with all the intensity of a pregame walkthrough -- to an exhibition match. Barcelona look a bit stunned, like the exam they've been cramming for turns out to be written by a Georgia basketball coach. This is exactly the kind of game that would be livened up by some cheerleaders -- Barcelona's dressed as Carmen (apparently that's spanish for "cougar"):

Bayern's in dirndls (german for "jailbait"):

Ok, no promises on a complete 2nd half diary. This is sucking the life out of me.

Warning: Do Not Send This Link To Your Girlfriend

No matter how she feels about ending world hunger, you're taking a big risk when you recommend she click on*. Trust me on this one.

* I'm in no way advocating Heifer as a suitable charity. If they end up being a front for Hank Scorpio, that's not my fault.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Two Scripts, One Language

Watching "Once Upon A Time In China and America" with All-Universe ass-kicker Jet Li, I had a new experience. Usually with Hong Kong action flicks, you get a slight difference between what's said in Chinese and the English subtitles. However, in this one the English dubbing and the subtitles are completely different -- every single line. "Get out of my carriage!" becomes "Oh, no you don't", etc. It leads to some sweet cognitive dissonance.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

German Word Of The Day: Steinbrennenfreude

Definition: The enjoyment of watching a rival sports team be run into the ground through mismanagement, named after pioneering bumbler and owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner. For examples in other sports, please see the Oakland Raiders, the Dallas Cowboys, the Washington Redskins, the New York Knicks or the Mexican national team.

Don't Tape Me, Bro

From JT's German Adventure

When you're beating the previously-highly-regarded* German Indoor Ultimate 4th Division like a rented mule, you can't have malcontents or whiners. How do you keep discipline? Tape 'em. In retrospect we realized we should have TASEd him, but we were, like Al Davis, focused on just winning.

* By their mothers


From JT's German Adventure

When historians finally write the history of German Indoor Ultimate*, they will look back and say, without hesitation or qualification, that the single greatest team in the annals of the 4th Open Indoor Division Ultimate was Frisbee Family Pempelfort from Düsseldorf. Doing what the New England Pats couldn't** and taking all comers, the team went 6-0 with the closest game being 2 points. How did it end? A break mark push pass by the team's resident overreactionary, JT.

As you can see from the photo of the team captain with the 1st place trophy***, it was so emotionally draining that there was none left for celebration. Also, he wanted to beat traffic back to the 'dorf.

* Lazy history PhD candidates need dissertation topics, too
** They're not based in Germany, dumbass
*** Note that it's throwing a scoober

Friday, April 03, 2009

Break This Protocol

I don't want to bring up a sore point with my British readers, but Michelle Obama didn't break protocol by touching the queen*. EVERY American has the right to touch British royalty anytime they want, a right first implicitly declared in the Declaration of Independence, which states:

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. If one party resists this separation, the remaining party has but no choice but to calcitrate buttocks until they realize their station and at warranted intervals thereafter.

Cheers to the First Lady** for standing up for our rights!

* I don't capitalize based on lineage.
** But I do for women I like and respect.

Reason #1 Why Germany Is Better Than Texas

As you may or may not know, Germans love their beer. Men, women, young, old, pils, bock, hefe-weizen -- they're into all* of them. So much so that they will defy the strongest taboo in German culture**: good customer service. Germans believe so fervently in the magical offspring of malt, water, hops and yeast (and wheat, if you want the cloudy goodness of weizen) that they will allow good service.

So I give you Durstalarm. For those of you not fluent in German***, this means "Thirst Alarm". And the best part? If you buy by the case, it's only about 5 cents a bottle more than buying it at the sto' myself and lugging it 100 yards back to Stately T Manor.

So, for all of you yutzes having trouble finding Schöfferhofer Hefeweizen, much less dragging it back to your domiciles, perhaps you should head to the 'dorf. Swapping friendly waitrons for surly eurotrash servers is a small price to pay for home delivery of everyone's favorite cirrhosisade.

* Ok, they're not feeling the Belgian beer
** Surprisingly, it's not food with flavor
*** A group that includes your blogger

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Book Review -- The Botany of Desire

The Botany of Desire: A Plant's-Eye View of the World The Botany of Desire: A Plant's-Eye View of the World by Michael Pollan

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
The problem I have with this is the same I have with most "soft" science or history non-fiction -- Pollan plays fast and loose with his quotes and sources. Would it have killed him to have footnoted or endnoted his sources? No. Instead he treats it like a book-length NY Times article -- fascinating but only citing actual quotes. It's too bad, as it's a great premise and has lots of fascinating tidbits. Also, he's far too concerned with the personal side of it -- I couldn't care less what gardening memories the apples, tulips, etc. bring up for him. The bibliography at the back is woefully short on detail.

In short, he needs more "Guns, Germs and Steel" and less "Memoirs of a Gardner."

View all my reviews.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

WTF is "Costal Gambling?

Since TV is flawless, I know they didn't misspell "Coastal." I'm thinking it must be from the Phoenecian "Costalariss", meaning "to speak in the manner of, or befitting, a pirate. Implies the presence of a parrot on the shoulder or a wooden leg."

Yar! All bets must be placed by three bells!

Goodbye to a Legend (-ary Punk-Ass Bitch)

One of the best things about sports is that we can unilaterally hate people whose names don't rhyme with "Spitler". Top of my list? Cuauhtémoc Blanco, resident whining, diving jackhole for Mexico. Why? Because he spends more time pleading with the refs or diving for imaginary fouls than playing. However, he's not a complete slacker -- he also finds time to cheap shot opponents and referee's assistants (all the videos of which fing MLS deleted -- asshats). However, in his "100th" (or 97th, if you're FIFA) game for Mexico, Blanco turned in a vintage outing:

Eriksson was equally baffled to find himself under fire for leaving out Cuauhtémoc Blanco, even though the fiery forward had announced his international retirement after winning what he claimed was his 100th cap at home to Canada (though FIFA said it was officially his 97th). Whatever the figure, he played for two minutes and still got booked for diving.

Um, See Mr. Cuban, The Thing Is..

I realize that Mark Cuban is a busy guy and that HOT MLS ACTION (action, action) isn't his (or anyone's) primary concern. But if you make a post claiming to be a fan of a team, you should probably not use an outdated name: "I'm a fan of the Dallas Stars, the Cowboys, Rangers and the Burn" Especially one that hasn't been current for 3.5 years.

On the other hand, I think he's got some good things to say about pro sports needing good local coverage & a very innovative idea on how to keep it going once newspapers finally go under.