No, Mom, This Wasn't Me

Contrary to allegations of some of my readers, the following story is NOT about me.

BERLIN (Reuters) - A drunk German sparked a slow-speed police chase after stealing a tractor to get home from a nightclub after his girlfriend left without him, said police, who used pepper spray to try to stop the vehicle.

Let me refute:
1. I live in the 'dorf, not Berlin.
2. When drinking, my getaway vehicle of choice is a cab. It was a bike, but experience has taught me valuable lessons.
3. If anyone is leaving anyone at a club, it's me. That's just how I roll*.

* Yes, I know I sound like a tool when I say that.