LOTR Rewatch: The Return of the King Part 1

0:00 - So, after he got jobbed at the Oscars for no Best Supporting Actor, I guess that Peter Jackson figured he'd throw Andy Serkis a bone and give him a scene sans makeup. Though without makeup, he still looks a bit freaky.

4:15 - And even given the ring's pent-up hostility, what kind of psychos are they? Smeagol jumps into "my precious" homicidal, raw fish mode with no real resistance.

6:35 - If Sauron's such a great magician/craftsman, why can't the ring give the bearer decent teeth and hair in addition to long life?

9:30 - I have to say, this forest looks only slightly more real than a set from Plan 9 From Outer Space.

10:00 - More "pipeweed"-induced giggling. And eating. I think one of the deleted scenes has Pippin hollowing out an apple for "better smoking".

12:45 - "We shall have peace when you hang!" Not exactly the offer of parlay Saruman was hoping for.

17:00 - So, I'm guessing that wasn't how Gandalf's master plan was going to play out. Far more dramatic than Saruman's end in the book, though. At least it gave Pippin a chance to go back to being less-than-useless.

23:00 - I like the reflection version of the Smeagol-Gollum personalities better than the camera rotation.

27:30 - Aragorn should probably omit his late-night visit to Eowyn when he tells Arwen about his trip. Even elvish wisdom only goes so far.

30:30 - Even the post-victory celebration is a venue for Pippin's preternatural ability to cause trouble. If he were to host Sesame Street it would turn into a bloodbath in minutes after he accidentally caused the set to collapse when "accidentally" pulling out a cornerstone.

41:30 - After an extended "Should I stay or should I go?" scene from Arwen, we get a pulse-pounding ... blacksmithing scene. Nothing gets kids today fired up like a good smithing.

43:30 - First, how is Minas Tirith the "city of kings" if they haven't had a king in thousands of years. Second, how sweet is that view?

49:40 - For a bloodthirsty mob, the orcs' fear of sunlight is a bit underwhelming.

52:30 - For all his bluster, you can see that Gandalf is quite enjoying Pippin finally getting himself into trouble rather than screwing it up for everyone else. I do wish there had been a scene where Gandalf reminded Pippin that Gandalf wouldn't have died if not for a certain hobbit jackhole.

55:30 - Ok, I was wrong. I think that the glowing Minas Morgul is cooler than Barad-Dur.

59:15 - Why does Gollum think it's such a great idea to climb while the army is marching below?

1:01:30 - I don't think these boats in the mist bode well for Faramir's next father-son chat.

1:05:40 - Ok, the beacons are pretty cool.

1:09:10 - Why doesn't Merry offer his sword to Aragorn? Seems a bit ungrateful to the guy who's kept his shit together for 2 movies now. Instead he volunteers to serve Theoden, who was ready to give up until, you guessed it, Aragorn talked him back from the edge.

1:12:10 - Celebrate the Age of the Orc -- Visit Mordor!

1:16:30 - Another happy family scene in the house of the crazy steward! Just imagine what family gatherings were like when the booze started flowing.

1:17:45 - Ok, since the army is still marching, I guess I see why Gollum thought they should start early. Never put off 'til tomorrow the betrayal you can start today!

1:19:40 - "Courage is the best defense you have now"? Are you fing kidding me? Why not just tell the men to slit their own throats before the orcs can?

1:23:00 - This whole bit about wishing Faramir were dead instead of Boromir was taken from an old "My Three Sons" episode. Of course, that ended with Chip snapping and beating his father to death with his own pipe. Watch for it on TV Land!

1:27:00 - Sam's beginning to develop anger management issues. Frodo should probably mention this to Rosie BEFORE the wedding..

1:32:20 - Not a good sign for your calvary when the music is a baleful hobbit dirge, ending with "all shall fade".

1:36:50 - So, only men that have been to war should go to war? Nice logic, Eomer.

1:40:20 - You're going to lose. You're outnumbered. You're ruined my daughter's immortal life. Elrond's just a bundle of joy, isn't he?

1:43:00 - Getting rejected on the eve of battle -- nothing fires up a lass more than that!

1:49:00 - The hobbit and the woman riding together to fight not just evil, but sexism and heightism! I believe this is being developed into a full-length movie for Lifetime.

1:50:50 - It seems like a waste of a good troll to have them just drumming.

1:57:00 - That is a lot of skulls. You can tell Jackson misses his days as a maker of horror flims.

2:01:10 - So, Denethor didn't want to call Theoden, but now Theoden has betrayed him? You can't argue with crazy.

2:01:35 - You can't argue with crazy, but you can beat it senseless with a stick.

2:04:35 - "Don't give into fear!"?!? I've gotta side with the guys panicking. Flying reptiles ridden by sorcerous wraiths are one of my approved times for giving into fear*.

2:07:35 - Orcs chanting the name of the huge-ass battering ram is a good segway into lunch!

* Also on the list are 5-foot long snakes in the wild, birds in closed spaces and relationships.