Time For New Relationship Advice

For the last three years or so, when people ask me for relationship advice, I always answered the same way: "Never take relationship advice from me." Then, of course, I'd still give them my completely unsupported suggestions*. So, now I'm looking for a new standard relationship advice. Here are the ones I'm considering:

• "If she has an adam's apple, she's a dude."
• "Yeah, it's not going to work. It's dump or be dumped."
• "Ask him/her for a threesome -- either it works or you're single again**"
• "Tell her that you feel it's inappropriate to get married while gay marriage isn't allowed"
• "You should consider a vow of celibacy"
• "Let me guess -- s/he's insisting that you get a full-body wax"
• "Don't sweat it -- everyone has a starter marriage"
• "How about faking your own death?"

Any suggestions?

* Usually good advice. Sadly, I've never emailed myself for advice.
** Thank you, George!