Monday, January 31, 2011

30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates Episode 5.11

One of the best sources of status updates is 30 Rock.  Full of good quips on either side of the border of Good Taste / Being JT.  But I know many of my readers are busy*, so I'm going to save you all the fun of watching so you can skip straight to being a jackhole.

Acceptable Status Updates (Good Taste):
  • wants his wedding ceremony to be performed in the middle of a non-stop party.
  • is doing everything possible to make us seem profitable
  • 's schveltz is filled with boinkus
  • don't get me started on the monkeys
  • senses more complaining in you
  • is not a spy!
  • 's blood tastes like root beer
  • isn't the one who forgot our 1-minute anniversary
  • can't even find Mexico on the map
  • has all the makings of a reality-TV star: hair-pullingness, delusions of grandeur, an insanely short fuse, catchphrases...
  • has asked you NOT to call me at home after 11. Or before.
  • knows what art is -- it's paintings of horses
  • thinks elegance and attitude are the same thing

Status Updates (Being JT):
  • is hosting the International Porn Awards
  • 's schveltz is filled with boinkus
  • thinks Hitler and Martha Stewart would've hated that wedding
  • is dating Squeaky Fromm
  • 's alarm clock died in a cock fight last night
  • thinks marriage is finding her weakness, then viciously exploiting it
  • thinks if you have more than 2 colors on a tie, you're "looking for a certain kind of bar"
  • just wants to be accepted for who he is -- a sexual maniac
  • wonders if you have any meth. Or meth?
* Most of my readers are too busy to actually read or visit my blog.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Well, THAT Was Badass

One thing I miss about living in Dallas is the red-tailed hawks. I saw one every morning on the drive to work, and I'd always see a few on my way to Nac. But in the 'dorf, we've got an assload of rabbits, but no predators. At least, I didn't think we did, until I cut through the park on my way home. What did I see? This* bad boy/girl (I have trouble distinguishing the gender of other species night while riding my bike).

Unfortunately, it didn't live up to its crafty reputation. As I watched from 20 yards** away, the fox looked disinterested as several juicy-looking rabbits, real Hasenpfeffer material, crossed its path, and what did the legendarily crafty fox do? 2 things: jack and shit. No stalking, no pouncing, not even legitimate prowling, just some really half-assed padding around. It was like watching an SEC auditor going over Citibank's books.

* Well, probably a distant cousin of his/hers.
** Maybe even 18m.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Why? History Is Written By The Winners, That's Why

A question on WHY Germany and japan are not permanent members of security council?

I'm not one to simplify history, but I think this one can be summed up with a simple analogy. If a school has 2 bullies that have been starting fights for, say, the last 50 years with everyone around them, you're probably not picking these two jackasses to be on the Student Council.

Or, simpler, if you've been starting shit and then losing shit, you ain't getting shit.

TV Review - The Wire, Season 1

To quote Kang*, "Holy flurking schnitt!" I'd heard how good The Wire was, but JFC, that was one good fing season. Wow.

If you don't know, the 1st season of The Wire follows a group of drug dealers and the cops trying to bring them down. It's like an episode of Law & Order, but more realistic (and without the "bong!" sound effect after the title). Just like in real life, the "good guys" have motivations beyond justice or keeping the peace -- they have bureaucratic issues to deal with and supervisors that are more concerned with arbitrary metrics than with doing the right thing**. Well-written, well-acted, with a large cast of fully-developed characters, it grabs you from the first episode and doesn't let go. Don't blame me if you don't get enough sleep for a few nights.

UPDATE: I was going to post this 10 days ago. Instead, I'm ass-deep in the 3rd season of The Wire. Reading this review is like reading a review of crack written by Tyrone Biggums. My lips are white and I'm shaking, I'm hooked. Next on the blog, which Wire character are you***?

* Or was it Kodos?
** As a former Citigroup employee, I have NO knowledge of management harping on arbitrary metrics instead of reality.
*** Hint: I used to be a Freamon, but now I worry that I'm a McNulty.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

JT Gets Profiled

Having lived most* of my life as a white person in the USA, I really haven't had much experience with being profiled. However, I live in Germany, where I assume that most criminals are white**. But tonight, riding home, possibly while whistling a carefree tune, I get pulled over by The Man. For a change, I was actually obeying stop lights AND I had lights on my bike -- this is about as traffic-law-abiding as I get. What did I do wrong? I apparently looked like some jackass who was stealing "something" off cars (this was as specific as the cop was willing to be with his suspected perp).

Fortunately, there was a happy ending -- after they checked out my suspicious bag (it held an even more suspicious container filled with salsa), he let me off with no major hassle -- not even a "freedom search".

* I was, however, born a poor black child
** Because, as Sean remarked, "There are a lot of white people here."

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Let Me Be The First To Wish You...

I always feel guilty when I forget birthdays, anniversaries, etc. so this year I'm not going to. So, to all of you for whom the following apply, let me wish you...
Happy Birthday!
Happy Anniversary!
Congratulations on the birth of your child(ren)!
Congrats on your marriage/divorce!
You got the mole removed? Niiice!
Wow! Those look great -- but doesn't your back hurt now?
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Veterans/Memorial/Labor/Independence/Arbor/Columbus/Presidents/MLK/Grandparents/Women's Day
Happy Mother's Day!
Happy Father's Day!
A Successful Whacking Day!
Merry Robanukah!
Happy Festivus!
A Lascivious Holiday of Mouth Pleasures
Merry Christmas!
Happy Chanukah!
Kwazy Kwanzaa!
A tip-top Tet!
A solemn, dignified Ramadan*

Feel free to add any I missed!

* If you don't know, those last 5 were from the Simpsons