Monday, February 28, 2011

Karneval Costume Ideas: The Wire

So, it's the 5th season, and Karneval is just around the corner.  That means the never ending beatdown of deciding on a costume.  Having just finished watching The Wire, I have some suggestions for costumes:
  • Omar (Early) - Black duster, fake scar, shotgun, and attitude.  The key here is to get someone to enter rooms in front of you, yelling "Omar comin'! Yo, Omar comin'!"
  • Omar (Late) - Fake scar, makeshift crutch, a limp, and a gaping gunshot wound to the head.
  • DeAngelo Barksdale - Prison uniform, light dusting of powder under your nose and noose around your neck.  Bonus points if the noose is connected to a doorknob.
  • Snoop - Braids, black cap askew, grey hoodie sweatshirt, slow speech, a glock and no moral compass. Couple costume idea: find someone to go as either Chris or a corpse
  • McNulty - Either in a police uniform or a cheap suit, the beauty of this is that the drunker you get, the more accurate the costume.  And if you meet a blonde fan of the show, all you'll need is a car hood!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates - TGS Hates Women

OK, another week, another good episode.  30 Rock has been on a bit of a roll lately, and 

Acceptable Status Updates:
  • is trying to sail an inflatable cat across the Pacific
  • knows that being himself doesn't work
  • was there when Lutz belvedered
  • thinks the ocean is awesome and for winners -- YOU're for tools

UNacceptable Status Updates:
  • thinks female jealousy is an evolutionary fact
  • supports women -- he's like a human bra
  • 's new rival is a 9th grade girl
  • thinks Sir Ian McKellen must be knee-deep in boob
  • is an adult now -- he doesn't have fantasies any more.
  • hopes his legacy is a Sesame Street-type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Lost Posts: Was Your Ex The Scarecrow, Lion, or Tin Man?

I wrote this after watching "The Wizard of Oz"* last year.  I meant to post it then, but for some reason I let it sit.  Probably because , I was struck by how many of the characters represented "strong" traits present in exes.

  • Flying Monkeys - Will do whatever you want without questioning, but that's about it. Too quiet to be interesting, they're strictly short term solutions.
  • Toto - Annoyingly loyal, never wants to leave your side. This can be nice at times, but it begins to wear on you.
  • Munchkins - Cute, sweet, but ultimately unsatisfying. May also have bizarre hairdos.
  • Scarecrow - Just too fing dumb to date. Nice, a great dancer, but not the brightest bulb in the bunch.
  • Tin Man - Cold, heartless. Annoy him? It's the axe. Bore him? The axe. Won't put out? The axe. At least he's consistent, though.
  • Cowardly Lion** - Scared of commitment to the point of uselessness. Someone to go down the road with for a bit, but you're not looking for apartments in the Emerald City
  • Dorothy - Constantly whining about her ex, just can't get over him/her. Eventually she's kicking your ass to the curb with her ruby slippers and going back to him/her.
  • The Wizard*** - Bossy, self-centered, sees dates as minions there to do everything for him. Up to, and including, murdering rivals. Nice house and home theater system, though.
  • Glinda - "All good witches are pretty" pretty much sums her up. She's hot, knows it, and expects to be treated well because of it.
  • The Wicked Witch of the West*** - A bitch, and everyone but her knows it. Still, she's got moxie, which counts for a lot.

To be fair, in the last 10 years or so of dating, I've been a Cowardly Lion, Glinda (briefly), Munchkin, Toto (ugh - so humiliating), and (of course) Tin Man. I've dated almost the entire cast (some played multiple roles!), though I refuse to say who played whom. Unless you ask nicely.  Feel free to dish about yourself or your ex's in comments!

* No, I'm not obsessed. I just needed another post.
** This is unfair. It's not like we call them "The Stupid Scarecrow" or "The Heartless Tin Man".
*** I think their names are cool enough to warrant "The" before it.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Lost Posts: Germany During The World Cup

So, I'm going back through my blog graveyard (Blogger calls it "drafts") and trying to post some lost "gems"*. Here's the first!

Germany during the World Cup is like a nation of Cowboys fans on crack. Total overreaction to everything. Beat 10-man Australia 4-0? The team is going to win the world cup by at least 3 goals in each game. Lose with 10 men to Serbia? The team is going to lose to England. Beat England and Argentina? Back to winning it all by multiple goals. Lose to Spain? They're awesome and it's no big deal.

It's crazy, but fun. I am really, really glad they didn't win, though. Just like fans in Dallas if the Jerrys ever win again, my coworkers would be insanely annoying (most think Brazil "deserved" only 2 of its titles, while Germany deserved at least 2 more than they have). I'd love to be in a country when it wins the World Cup, then leave as soon as the party stops :) Which means, sadly, I won't be in the USA in July 2014.

* Did you know that "sapphire" means "poorly written, self-indulgent tripe"?

Best Comments From My Health Care Providers

I had some memorable statements thrown at me by doctors, nurses and PTs last year, and here are some of the best:

  • Said while pointing to a bony knob on the side of my foot: "What is THAT?"
  • Said while pointing to a mysterious, recurring swelling on my foot: "Maybe it's what old women get in their feet, you know, varicose veins"
  • After testing for a potential cause of the mystery injury and getting a result -- on the wrong foot: "Let's just ignore that until it becomes a problem."
  • In exasperation at my insistence that a swollen ankle wasn't a normal effect of ultimate: "Maybe you're just getting older."

A Facebook Page? Really?

Look, I know Facebook is the best thing ever and all, but why does every business on the planet need to have a page? I understand restaurants, bars & stores that might use it to lure in unsuspecting chumps* with coupons or promises of great offers, but now BANKS are on Facebook? WTF? Should I invite it on dates so it knows I'll need money? If I befriend it, will I get a lower interest rate? Am I going to post on its wall about how the ATMs are clean and rarely smell of urine**? I just don't get it. It's kind of embarrassing, like they're just begging for positive reinforcement (become a fan!). Fortunately, this blog never stoops to that level -- I just keep offering up quality posts, week after week, year after year, never asking for compliments. Right? Right?

* Like, say, me.
** Seriously. The Targo ATMs are pretty fing clean. If I need an emergency appendectomy, I'm completely ok with using the ATM waiting area.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Egypt 2011: Cairo and the Pyramids

Facebookers go HERE for photos!

So, a bit delayed, but here are my photos from Cairo and the pyramids, complete with snarky captions. Why no riot shots? Blame my friends that made me promise not to go.

I would write more, but that will just lead me to not publishing this for another week*.

* Isn't it great that I can use my own laziness as a justification for more laziness?

Saturday, February 19, 2011

30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates - It's Never Too Later For Now

OK, dear readers, I've survived a SPECTACULAR week filled with non-blogatory events, and I'm here to give you your status updates. As always, this blog is not to be held responsible for your irresponsible use of these status updates!

Acceptable Status Updates:

  • Had all that once, for 3 weeks, back in the 80s
  • Hopes there was enough shark meat in the refrigerator for one of your sandwiches
  • Hasn't spoken to Joe Namath since that Mardi Gras
  • Knows how much you like clearly-marked fire exits
  • Is pissed they made his droids wait outside*
  • 's heart is pounding like he's watching Oprah's farewell season
  • Got hit by a bird on a roller coaster
  • Has that weekend style
UNacceptable Status Updates:
  • Took the money he was saving for a honeymoon and bought a cemetery plot
  • Likes his tampons to be cold
  • Likes how you don't have one weird little tooth
  • Got to first base, which is what he considers sex with a stranger
  • Is a weekend woman

* OK, I took some liberties here.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates - Double-Edged Sword

Once again, Luxembourg has blog-blocked me. The weekend trip* meant I didn't have time to watch my beloved 30 Rock til now.

Acceptable Status Updates:

  • Never sleeps on planes -- I don't want to be incepted
  • Is a Type-A nutjob
  • Needs a whale saddle
  • Is a businessman, not an air marshal
  • Wants to be a big government duel-loser
  • Is just airplane folk now
  • 's incompetence knows no bounds
  • Memorized all 700 words in the Canadian dictionary

UNacceptable Status Updates:

  • Packed underwear that isn't grey
  • Has a pencil sticking out of his fly
  • Needs a whale saddle**
  • Doesn't think those cashews look like a bowl of baby penises
  • Compromises readily on movie choices and sexual positions
* Also, Season 5 of The Wire
** UNacceptable if you're dating/sleeping with someone who is, um, hefty (or thinks they are)

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Super Bowl Halftime Show -- Old School Style

Facebookers go HERE for video
Thanks to the magic of YouTube, we can enjoy the stylings of Up With People from 1982. Wow, just, wow.

If you didn't like the Black Eyed Peas, just remember, it could be a lot worse.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Live Blogging - Super Bowl XLV 1st Half

So, I'm here on my couch, foregoing a pub viewing to bring you, my loyal reader(s?) a live blog of the Super Bowl. Or, more likely, the first half.

Pregame: So, if you had the over on the "how long will Aguilera hold the 'brave'?" as a prop bet, you just won. 10+ sec. That's info you won't get from any other blog*

German broadcast note: They're really going in depth about the new stadium, and the multiple shots of Jerry Jones make me glad I don't have an HD tuner. Not good.

Hall of Fame Note: The best part? Shannon Sharpe and Deion Sanders being inducted means that they have to shut up for the ceremony. They should be inducted every year.

13:24 - Hey hey! Big Ben fails to make the 3rd down! Woo hoo!

13:20 - D'oh! My general rule of thumb on blocking for the punt returner: don't back into the returner.

11:15 - Well, that would've been the best catch that I've seen in Super Bowl history. Instead? A rather compelling incompletion. Like most of my throws in ultimate.

11:05 - Does anyone else think the coach is telling Ben, "no, I'm pretty sure the ball girls aren't into you"?

9:41 - I'm pretty sure that false starts and other pre-play penalties have to be the most mystifying for non-football fans. Why does everyone just stop?

3:21 - Ohhhhhhh, snap! Big Ben coughs up a TAINT! Actually, the Vegas odds on him being involved with a TAINT were +110, but being involved in a story with a hotel employee's taint was -250**.

2nd Quarter
Friends Update: The last hour of the game was NOT live blogged, due to chatting with friends in DFW. Here's the rundown:
Court: Working on getting her 3rd Jackhole status changed from probationary to permanent
Charlie: Disappointed with me not having any good Egypt protest stories
Kristen: Really, really likes her "new" car
Andie: Enjoyed playing in snow
Dave: Prepping for a move and still awesome
Chad: Busy getting multiple wives*** drunk

9:20 - That is the oldest ball boy I've ever seen. Can I make a prop bet on him yelling at the players to "get off my damn lawn"?

6:10 - The Steelers are dominating time of possession, but their strategy of having the ball but not scoring isn't really paying off.

5:30 - Randle El is pretty excited about that 1st down. The last time I was that excited was Friday, when I was told that beers were half price.

4:30 - The German TV announcers are obsessed with hair. Is Clay Matthews prepping his hair for his starring role in "Hack: The David Lee Roth Story"?

4:28 - Do you think the Steelers drew up a play during the timeout for Big Ben to throw a pick into double coverage? And is it just me, or does his beard move him from "borderline sex offender" to "almost certain pedophile" status?

4:15 - Now is a good time to mention that a) I'm wearing a Packers T-shirt and b) I'm drinking a Bush (the strongest Belgian beer, thank you, Fred) in prescient honor of his interception of Big Ben.

2:25 - I think Polamalu would've had the interception if he hadn't paused to hold up a shampoo bottle. But he still had time to go helmet-to-helmet.

2:24 - What kind of moron wears his striped club shirt to the Super Bowl?

0:40 - Ugh. Who stopped covering Ward in the endzone? Oh, wait. That was actually a pretty good move and a decent throw. But do you think that Big Ben was pointing at the strippers he has tied to the screens over the field?

And, with that, Richardson out.

* Well, any other blog about me
** I hope I got the odds right on that joke. If not, he's far more likely to be a sleazy douche than an incompetent QB
*** Not all the wives in question were his

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Egypt 2011: Luxor West Bank

Facebookers go HERE for bigger photos. No, not the West Bank with all the rock-throwing an assholes on both sides of the issue. The West Bank of Luxor has lots of Queen Hatshepsut's temple, the Ramesseum, the Colossi of Memnon, the Valley of the Kings*, and more. I got up early with the intent of biking over and seeing the sunrise from Hatshepsut's Temple, but I missed a ferry and so I got to see the sunrise while biking through sugarcane fields accompanied by the melodious sounds of me cursing my timing.

So, here are the photos:

* Which, according to the express wishes of the pharaohs, doesn't allow cameras. Oh, wait, maybe that's the wishes of the Japanese companies bankrolling the project.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates -- Que Sorpresa

A good episode, with some decent lines, though I'm not sure it's a good sign that Liz Lemon & I both eat in front of mirrors*.

Acceptable Status Updates:
Needs all of you to be your most normal
Ate dinner in front of a mirror last night
Is the one who's being a Silly Simon
Thinks this is business -- all bosses steal from their employees
Is like whatever the friendliest fish is -- he's not a science guy
Is considering "Rufus T. Barleysheath" as a baby name
Wonders how you're sweatshirting this sweatshirt

UNacceptable Status Updates:
Got Jacked this morning, big time
Is a 6-Sigma black belt ultra, with the groin branding to prove it
Got this watch for firing a man on his deathbed
Needs a button that switches from p0rnography to basketball, IMMEDITATELY
Is not interested in godfather duties
Owns a gay racehorse
Needs some liniment rubbed on his perineum

* A joke. I eat over the sink like any classy single man.

Egypt 2011: Temple of Luxor

Facebookers go HERE for larger photos. The thing about the Temple of Luxor is that it's really, REALLY badass. Sure, you think you know awesome, but it changes the whole discussion*.

Of course, the whole thing is dominated by Ramses II. He just can't let a good site go to waste -- Karnak, Luxor, the Valley of the Kings, the West Bank (of Luxor) -- he covers it with statues like he's worries Stalin will get the patent on being an egotistical tyrant**. Still, it's a badass site. Check it out -- night or day, it's cool.

* Until you get to Karnak, then it changes again.
** Stalin does get the patent, but Ramses gets the Shelley poem. I call it a push.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Maybe I Should've Given A Crap, After All

This summer we had photos for our online directory at work. I really didn't care, so I walked up, let him snap, then walked off. This might've not been the best move:

I look like I'm holding my breath, and that's being VERY generous. So, next time I'll be sure to make a more hi-larious face. Or at least one that looks intentional.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Egypt 2011: Hurghada

I originally booked my trip to Hurghada hoping to hang on the beach and do some snorkeling. But cooler-than-expected weather combing with me being a huge wimp meant that I didn't do any snorkeling. So, I walked around saw the "sights" of Hurghada, which are mainly shells of large hotels that were abandoned mid-construction. It's insane how many there are -- it appears that 1/3rd of the buildings are just shells. It's a bit depressing.

All the fun photos of Egypt will be coming up soon.

Live Blogging: 30 Rock Facebook Status Updates -

This was a decent episode of 30 Rock, but it was light on status update-worthy lines.

Acceptable Status Updates:
Is phoning it in today
Thinks we're in a new Golden Age of scripted television

UNacceptable Status Updates:
Is going to get a sandwich, then eat it on the toilet
Doesn't want tush-lines
Is happy as a clam... that wants to kill some woman
Thinks you're a four-eyed douche
Would run you over with a jet-ski
Knew I'd get that boob squish