Thursday, March 31, 2011

Book Review: Towers of Midnight

WARNING: This post is ONLY going to be of interest if you've read the Wheel of Time -- and likely not even then. It also has spoilers for Towers of Midnight (Wheel of Time, Book Thirteen)

OK, I'm a huuuuuuuuuuuge nerd. And tops on my current nerdy topics is the Wheel of Time. I've been reading these books for 12 years now, and there's ONLY ONE LEFT. I loved the previous book, The Gathering Storm, which was also the first co-written by Brandon Sanderson. It was the darkest of the series (I hope), but it also gave me real hope that book 14 would be the end. But how was 13?

2nd WARNING: I wasn't kidding about the nerdery. If you haven't read WoT, then you should know this next paragraph will make Urkel seem cool in comparison.

So, the review. OMFG. There's so much ass-kicking here, it's hard to quantify. Imagine if Neo from The Matrix and Bruce Lee from Enter The Dragon had a child -- that's roughly the level of ass being kicked. Mat and Perrin are at the forefront, but everyone* gets a viewpoint, including the long-awaited (5 years, dating back to the fing epilogue of The Knife of Dreams -- Book 11) visit to the Black Tower. And the small matter of Moiraine, a plot detail that's been hanging since book-fing-5. I have to admit, that was the part I was most psyched to read, and it was a bit disappointing because it kind of went exactly how I expected it to. I like surprises!**

And Rand? He's out of the darkness and all kinds of awesome. Though it's a bit disturbing that we don't know just how sane he is. And speaking of sanity, Nynaeve stumbled back-asswards into restoring it to male channelers. She seems to do this with healing. Maybe she'll heal writer's block in the next one and cure George R. R. Martin.

So? How will the Last Battle it play out? It's hard to say. Sure, it's going to be awesome. That, I think, will be a massive surprise -- even Rand said he's not going to be fighting. But here are my predictions for the main characters:

Rand - Wins the Last Battle, survives, but in Moridin's body. He goes off with his 3 women and quickly realizes he would've been happier if he'd died
Perrin - Dies. One of the 3 has to, right?
Mat - Survives, goes with Tuon to fix the Seanchan.  Which is beyond necessary
Min - Damn well better survive
Elayne - Has healthy kids while dying in childbirth -- too much foreshadowing/cockiness of her "surviving" the birth
Aviendha - Gets knocked up by Rand, has 4 super kids and guides the Aiel back to peacefulness.  And finds the Song!
Egwene - Continues being annoying and awesome at once
Nynaeve - Somehow saves Lan AND helps Rand win the Last Battle, but stops nagging him after healing him from death
Moiraine - Goes off to be awesome and happy with Thom -- who can channel
Cadsuane - Dies at the Last Battle, never admitting that she should defer to anyone

Logaine - Gets credit for being the Dragon and becomes the new Man-yrlin
Moridin - He's swapping bodies with Rand, then getting whacked by Alivia
Lanfear - She is turning back to the Light, and will take one for the team
Taim - He's getting his, just you wait.  Oh yes, he's getting his, BIG TIME.  Damn straight.
Egeanin - She'll pull Egwene's fat out of the fire when Tuon comes to the White Tower.  She'll be a HUGE tool about it, but she'll get it done.
Graendal - I think she'll escape via Portal Stone OR weasels out of the Last Battle to mix it up with Mat afterward
Moghedien - How do you say "cannon fodder" in the Old Tongue?

Demandred - No matter what he does, it'll be a huge disappointment.  The Boba Fett of the books.

* OK, not Demandred, but he's been lurking in the shadows, so why change strategies now? I would not be surprised if he doesn't show up in the final book. He sucks.
** In my fiction.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

You Stay Classy, Fiesta Bowl

I dislike the BCS. I think it's arbitrary and only slightly more legitimate than pro wrestling. The major conferences have rigged it so that they get a big payday no matter what. Anyway, there was an internal investigation, and it turns out that the CEO of the Fiesta Bowl is a huge sleazebag. How sleazy? This was his justification that dropping over $1200 at a high-end strip club in September 2008 had a "legitimate business purpose":

"We are in the business where big strong athletes are known to attend these types of establishments," Junker said, according to investigators. "It was important for us to visit and we certainly conducted business."

"We certainly conducted business"?!? At a strip club? Why not just say, "We banged a couple of strippers in the VIP room"? Not since "I'm taking my talents to South Beach" have we had a sports-generated euphemism for seedy behavior. Thank you, John Junker & the BCS, I plan to enjoy my new favorite catch phrase!

I Just Don't Get It

So, ESPN had an article today entitled "Why You Should Care About Cricket". I read it, and I still couldn't care less about cricket. Coworkers from the subcontinent are enthralled, but, to me, it's slightly more boring than baseball -- and I find baseball incredibly boring.

I tried to summon a bit of interest, and so I read a bit of the "live"* commentary and got to this bit:

"What an emotionally draining first half it's been, this game is certainly living up to the hype! It's still poised on a knife-edge"

Ooooohhhhhhkay. Really? I guess if you consider "the will to live" an "emotion" then watching a match might be "emotionally draining" for me. Matches take all day, if not days. Even the Nike commercials are long:

So, needless to say, I'm not going to be watching the final.

* It's the only sport that you could swap the undead for the players and no one would know

Ghosts of Restaurants Past

The restaurant on the corner by me was apparently built on an ancient burial ground* -- it's not been able to stay open for more than a year in any of its many incarnations. I'm used to this, having lived in Dallas, where restaurants would sometimes change from a deli to an Indian restaurant during the lunch rush. But I've not seen one that holds onto its past like this one:

As you can see, it still has the signs from its last two ("Pizza King" and "La Mediteranee") and its doomed upcoming version, "Pastasatt meets Mexico"**. I'm hoping to have an update in 6 months with whatever the next iteration is.

* Neanderthal is just 10 miles from me, those extinct bastards are probably haunting it
** Yeah, I think it's a bad idea, too

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Activism Apparently Doesn't Equate With Manners

This is a fairly hilarious video of what happened when a New York couple let a friend-of-a-friend stay for a few nights. The houseguest? Julian Assange. Enjoy!

Holy Schnikes!

This is kind of amazing. Anthony Robles just went undefeated and won the NCAA wrestling title -- without a right leg. He was born without it, but he's clearly learned to adjust. Pretty crazy!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates - Queen of Jordan

It's an all-reality-show episode!

Acceptable Status Updates:
  • reminds you that it's his way til payday
  • forgot his catchphrase
  • is Joe E Richardson III, Facebook signature
  • is not getting sucked into your crazy reality-show nonsense
  • refuses to wear anything in his size or appropriate for his age
  • found a glove in the elevator

UNacceptable Status Updates:
  • has dreamed of being a singer ever since he was a little... drunk
  • is a Christian Illiterate
  • 's shirt is tucked into his underwear
  • is a switch-hitter, pitcher, catcher -- whatever the boys need
  • thinks this is some white nonsense
  • 's mom still wants you to rot in hell
  • used to be in the military, but got unfairly thrown out for going berserker and trying to bang everybody
  • is extremely secure in his athleticism, masculinity and rectal integrity
  • only passes gas once-a-year atop a mountain in Switzerland

My Filthiest Photo Ever

FBers go HERE for all photos. Ok, it should probably be titled, "My Filthiest Photo, So Far" -- after all, I'm not giving up my photo addiction anytime soon. At the (sparkling) wine tasting last weekend, I caught a friend, let's call him Mr. Bigglesworth, with his wife (Mrs. Bigglesworth, obviously) leaning over to check on him while he held their dog (Bigglesworth, Jr.). Now, this isn't what I was aiming for:

Nor even was this shot, which rather overstates the insobriety of Mr. & Mrs. Bigglesworth:

No, the rather innocent full photo combines the two elements:

Monday, March 21, 2011

Live Blogging - Raiders Of The Lost Ark Part 2

We're back! Sure, it's a bit delayed, but I can personally guarantee that this blog does not have any radiation leaks. Or good taste.

1:04:00 - Ok, this is officially creepy. I also hate snakes (blow me, Deanna & John -- you were both scared, too). Kudos to Indy for overcoming his terror.

1:06:10 - The blink-and-you-miss-it R2D2 & C3PO hieroglyph sighting! But how the hell did they lift the stone cover? C'mon, Steven, just have them use a lever!

1:07:15 - Is it empowering or degrading that Marion is using a traditionally male skill (binge drinking) to overcome her captor? I think empowering, what with the captor being French. Sadly, Horst is there to ruin her escape. I love his portable coat hanger. Say what you will, he does have a sense of the moment.

1:09:10 - The Ark is pretty cool. I'd like to have a chest that looked like it. Sans gold-plating, of course. That would just be pretentious.

1:11:00 - "Once again, Jones, what was briefly yours is now mine." Why does Belloq get all the good lines?

1:14:00 - Indy has the quintessential American male escape plan -- break as much shit as possible.

1:15:10 - I hate to nag, but Marion is recklessly destroying priceless relics with her crazed panic. You'd think she's never been a room filled with dried corpses before. I guess she didn't hang out in Uptown Dallas much.

1:16:00 - OK, having now been to Egypt, Indy would've had more luck licking his way through one of those blocks than pushing it out. Those things are a) huge and b) perfectly fitted. The Egyptians weren't screwing around.

1:18:15 - Marion is clearly the comic relief here, but she's just as effective as Indy so far in the fight. Actually, once she gets the gun going, she's more effective. I do love the boxing Nazi, though -- so cocky that he just wants a workout before he kills the scruffy jackass. If the French remake this in 50 years, this role will be played by a CGI MJ and they'll play Le Hoops.

1:20:20 - If I ever get in another fight, this is also my only hope of winning -- steering the other guy into a propeller. It's probably why I'm so mouthy at airports.

1:21:00 - Why can't directors learn from this? If they were running from an exploding plane in a recent movie, it'd be slo-mo. Ugh. I hate that.

1:23:00 - Why isn't "Chasing trucks on a white stallion" a tour option in Cairo? Screw a camel ride, I want to chase Nazis!

1:24:00 - Even while getting his head smashed into the steering wheel, Indy is still a FAR safer drive than 99% of Cairenes that I saw

1:26:00 - What's the deal with Nazis and driving goggles/gloves? They're obsessed with the things.

1:25:30 - Why does the motorcycle with the sidecar* survive but the other guys go over the edge? Nazi henchman karma is complicated.

1:28:00 - There is some HUGE variation in quality with the henchmen. Some of these guys get brushed off by trees, and one climbs the roof?. But, seriously? Not killing Indy from 3 fing feet away? Do they not have pistol practice in the Abwehr?

1:29:00 - Least believable part of the sequence? Not Indy going under the car, but Belloq keeping his hat on. Followed by the merchants in Cairo giving up so easily when the Nazis don't want their wares. Those guys NEVER take "no" for an answer.

1:33:40 - Poor Indy. About to get some, then he passes out. I totally forgot about this. I didn't, however, forget about the very badass scene of the rats dying and the swastika being burned out. Go Ark!

1:37:45 - I'm pretty sure the smugglers are cheering seeing the end of crazy-ass white boy. Who tries to sneak onto a U-Boat?

1:39:20 - At this point, is Indy after Marion or the Ark? Also, I'm betting that even on semi-tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the open-shirt look wasn't acceptable in the Abwehr.

1:40:00 - Belloq is playing this poor bureaucrat of a Nazi like a flute.

1:41:30 - Creepy Nazi-in-black-leather (Horst?) isn't really a sunshine kind of guy, is he?

1:42:00 - Worst bluff in movie history alert! And what was Indy thinking would happen? They'd give him Marion & a ride to Casablanca?

1:43:20 - "Inside the Ark are treasures beyond your wildest imagination" Or, not. Unless Indy's imagination can't top sand.

1:44:20 - You gotta give it to Belloq, he has a flair for the dramatic. That ram-headed gold staff is bitchin'. Perfect for a pimp costume!

1:45:15 - Horst's mocking laugh is so incredibly annoying. I can't wait til he gets his.

1:47:35 - And he got his! Let me get this straight -- faces melting and heads exploding are ok for kids (PG rating) but seeing a nipple isn't? WTF?**

1:48:30 - Note to self: Don't screw with God's radio. He gets testy.

1:50:00 - "We have top men working on it, right now. Top Men." I love using that line in meetings when nothing is being done.

That's it! No more Indy until Temple of Doom, also known as Indiana Jones Can Get Away With Anything Onscreen.

* Sidecars are cool, though
** I'm a big fan of the nipple

Friday, March 18, 2011

2011 NCAAs, Day 2 Live Blogging -- Part 1

So, it's been a year, and now it's time again for March Madness live blogging! Why am I starting on Day 2? Blame that annoying St. Patrick -- last night was the 1st Düsseldorf All-Irish Pub Crawl. And a warning, this isn't short!

5:45 - So, apparently the UT game is either on the world's largest TV timeout, OR the NCAAs have really upped the ante in selling out. I've been trying to watch for 2 minutes and nothing but ads. At least there's no douche-y UPS ads so far!

5:47 - Marrrrv! I still can't hear his voice without thinking of his sexual issues in the 90s. Lawrence Taylor in a dress. heh.

5:49 - I'm going to assume Al Davis is the Oakland AD. Just win, baby! In fact, I like to think of Davis running any business, team or organization in Oakland. Try it, it's fun!

5:49 - Marv going on about how great the games were yesterday is kind of a bummer. No doubt the games today are going to suck.

5:53 - Aaaaannnnndddd... a commercial. Dodge is dogging some car company for online test drives? Is this an issue? Every year I'm gone I get a little more out of touch with the idiotic ads.

5:55 - How did Cap One manage to take one of the best comic actors of my lifetime and not make him funny in an ad? Jack Donaghy definitely did not Reagan that day.

5:57 - These Rogaine ads are not nearly as funny as they used to be. Stupid fing X chromosome.

6:03 - Something I don't miss about the USA? The fing Masters. I couldn't be less interested. I am, however, looking forward to making Tiger jokes.

6:09 - One thing you NEVER see in an NBA game -- 1v1 pressure in the backcourt to cause a turnover. How do you become a point guard at a Div 1 school if you have a bad handle?

6:13 - I hope these rims are high quality, because the bricks Michigan's tossing up might break ordinary hoops.

6:22 - This live blog brought to you by Efes pilsner -- the taste of Istanbul!

6:24 - And, once again, there are technical problems. The NCAA should probably rethink having their interns run the website.

6:28 - Another thing you don't see in the NBA -- UofM is one guy short of a whitewash. The last time 4 white guys were on the floor for the same team in a close game was 1986. Thankfully, this time they're not wearing nuthugger shorts. Yeesh. But it's working -- they were about to get taken behind the woodshed and now they're up 3.

6:36 - So, they replaced Women's Haircut Guy with Gino fing Auriemma? Is UPS trying to goad me into beating the crap out of a driver or something? I guess they couldn't get Col. Qaddafi to do a commercial.

7:10 - I tried to watch obama's speech, but no dice. Oh well. I'm back after a tasty Dr. Oetker pizza!

7:15 - Do chubby coaches not know that the sweater vest makes them look even worse? They should've retired that look with Bobby Knight. Or at least require constant obscenities from the guys wearing them.

7:18 - Doh! Oakland's 3 to make it a 3 point game with 30 seconds left rimmed out. Game over. Sorry, sweater vest!

7:20 - Another thing you don't see in the NBA -- chubby guys. Oh, wait, Baron Davis just called to remind me that you do see this.

7:22 - Visigoth sports net? I like it. At least until Gino Auriemma showed up. What a tool.

7:24 - The Bud Light non-3D commercial is pretty sweet.

7:30 - Ugh. Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg are like a bowl of plain grits -- bland but competent. I miss Billy Packer. Every announcing team needs a blowhard jackhole. And, yes, I am offering my services.

7:33 - I would definitely pay extra to have the Dodgeball announcers or the guys from SNL's bowling skits do the announcing for the NCAA. Like a director's commentary for games.

7:40 - Timeout Michigan. Do you think when Webber dies (hopefully far in the future) that Michigan will honor him by taking a timeout when they don't have any left? Or will the players take cash from a booster at a halftime service?

7:42 - Do you think Marv grooms his toupeé during timeouts? I'm betting YES! (And it counts)

8:00 - In case you're wondering, I did NOT enter any pools this year, which is good. I'm not sure I could've done a worse job of picking my bracket. Of the 16 games yesterday, I got less than half right, and 5 of my Sweet 16 picks are already out. Paul the octopus could've beaten me -- and he's dead.

And with that, the games are blowouts, so I'm off.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Answers to Stupid Twitter Questions About the Japan Tsunami

You can go to any number of websites for answers to the key questions about the tsunami and its aftermath (the NY Times' site is HERE), but who can respond to the variety of idiotic questions popping up online? Obviously, I can. Links below will direct you to the source of the question, or an article about it. Filthy FBers go HERE for the full post.

Q: I've heard that the Fukushima plant is leaking gamma radiation, should we be worried about an outbreak of Hulks?
Stan L., NYC
A: This is a common misconception. However, gamma radiation doesn't cause people to gain super powers. Unless, of course, you consider radiation poisoning or thyroid cancer a super power. Then, yes.

Q: I think that God might have sent this tsunami to punish the Japanese, am I right?
Cappie P, NYC

A: You are, Cappie. Our God is an angry, vengeful, and, let's be honest, rather lazy Supreme Being. Rather than punish specific evildoers in a population, God decided this time to just say, "Fuck it, I bet this wave will only kill evil men and women and leave kids and innocents alone. And radiation is a very selective killer." Then God went to take a nap. So, you and all the other braindead morons can rest assured, this was completely and totally justified.

Q: Is the day of the tragedy too soon to make fun of it?
Gilbert G, LA
A: Hold on a second, there, Gilbert... Sorry, I had to go kill your wife and kids. But at least you don't have to worry about them keeping you from scoring after your next stand-up gig, right? Oh, is that too soon? The answer is, it's only too soon if you actually have talent. If you don't, then you're clear. So you're fine on this one! Also, the next time you mock a tragedy, you should probably make sure that it's not happening to the largest revenue source for a company that pays you to be your annoying self on TV.

Q: Are my hoes in Japan, Hawaii and LA safe?
50 C, LA
A: That's sweet of you to ask, Fifty, but like you said, they should be OK once they see the designer shoes floating in the streets.

Q: Isn't a massive dose of radiation in Japan what created Godzilla and Mothra?
Anonymous, RKO Studios
A: Actually, we're not sure. But our top scientists are checking this one out.

Q: Since the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor almost 70 years ago, I can indulge in Schadenfreude here, right?
Alec S, LA
A: Actually, Alec, you can. It's a little-known fact, but the only people living in the area hit by the tsunami are people that either participated in the planning of the attack, or are people who participated in the planning, died, and were reincarnated as children living in the area. The real surprise is that 10,000 people (and counting!) were able to keep a surprise attack secret. So, definitely, you should feel Schadenfreude here.

Q: When do we become the 2nd-worst government response to a nuclear disaster?
Former USSR, Moscow

A: Don't worry! In spite of Japan's government handling this one by the George Bush Disaster Handbook, they didn't try to hide it for 10 days. So, unless North Korea has a meltdown, you're probably safe. Time to celebrate with some Stoli!

Live Blogging - Raiders Of The Lost Ark Part 1

Ah, Raiders. A classic, and Harrison Ford's best role (sorry, Han). I actually wrote this in Jan, but didn't finish part 2. Blame Canada! So, let's get cracking.

0:30 - What a bunch of losers Indy hired. Do you think he just picked up a bunch of homeless guys? Or are they drunks from a local bar?

1:30 - Seriously? Freaked out by birds and a statue? I think Bobby was manlier during the Brady Bunch Hawaii episode.

3:15 - And, THAT, kids is how you make an entrance -- whipping the gun out of your porter's hand. Damn straight. Did you know that this is how Edmund Hilary and Tenzing Norgay first met?

4:00 - I never would've thought Alfred Molina would go from sleazy porter to Dr. Octopus. That's serious evil upward mobililty. What's his next stop? Emperor in the Star Wars remake?*

5:45 - I'm impressed Indy can recognize Forrestal. I don't know if I could recognize the dessicated remains of coworkers -- not that I've had the chance. As far as you know.

6:55 - Ever since I first saw this scene (in the theater!), whenever I walk on a patterned tile floor, I imagine having to dodge darts. Sometimes I hum a little of the theme music.

8:00 - The look on Molina's face as he slowly realizes it's all gone to shit is money

9:15 - ...Almost as money as dead Molina.

9:45 - For all his hard work, Indy is basically Belloq's white porter.

10:30 - "You could warn them, if only you spoke Jovitos! Hahaha!" I love this line and use it often. No one ever gets it, which helps.

11:30 - Jacque is having his own personal moral dilemma -- bring in the fish or save Indy?

14:00 - The "Love You" on the eyelids is impressive, but puzzling. Did her roommate write it for her? Or is writing legibly on her own eyelids her mutant power?

16:00 - The government bureaucrats are hilarious. So very clueless. I prefer this to reality -- amusing but harmless is better than infuriating but incompetent.

17:15 - "The 10 Ten Commandents? You're talking about THE 10 Commandments?" No, dipshit, he's talking about a photostat** copy.

17:30 - "They put the Ark in the Temple" "In Jerusalem" That Marcus is a fount of esoteric knowledge, eh?

19:20 - I love Indy the educator here -- in the classroom, he was so uncomfortable, but here he relishes teaching the tools about the cool stuff. His enthusiasm reminds me of Dr B.

21:00 - "That thing [the Ark] represents everything we got into archaeology for in the first place." So, you got into your field to find ancient mystical weapons? That's why I studied stats***.

22:00 - "You know what a cautious fellow I am" followed by the pistol in the luggage? This is clearly overcompensation for getting sentimental for Marion. Then again, "I always carry a pistol in my carry-on" -- B. Switzer

23:30 - This is EXACTLY how I see my ex**** in 5 years -- outdrinking locals in Nepal

25:50 - Is it bad that I secretly hope an ex will punch me someday?

27:50 - Indy didn't bother to bring a winter coat? Seems a bit short-sighted, what with the Himalayas and all.

28:50 - We have our 1st legitimate, full-fledged Nazi sighting! Do you think he has feelings of self-loathing for having to slum with non-Aryans? I'm thinking he fantasizes about killing them. And then nailing their corpses -- he seems like a twisted bastard.

30:30 - The time for reasonableness has passed? What kind of impatient psycho is this asshat? Oh, right. He's a Nazi.

31:30 - Spielberg is half-assing his realism here -- the bad guy has to reload, but Indy apparently has the world's only 500-shot revolver. And how did the guy getting shot in the forehead while on fire make it into a PG movie?

32:20 - Normally in action movies the hero escapes because the villain farts around and doesn't kill him (see: Powers, Austin), but here it's believable. Why? Because the bad guy (I'm going to call him Horst) is a sadistic MFer. And when he DOES want to kill Indy, he gets greedy.

32:40 - Speaking of greedy, Horst apparently didn't realize that gold is an excellent conductor of heat. Flash fact!

33:35 - "Well, Jones, you sure know how to show a lady a good time!" Marion is basically a cool version of Lois Lane. Who I normally think is a nagging waste of space, but Marion's got moxie. What happened to female characters with moxie? Juno in "Inception" is the only one i can think of recently.

33:55 - I love the red-line over a world map scenes. It makes me wonder -- was Karachi a shithole in 1937? I'm thinking yes. Seeing "Cairo" made me even more excited to go to Egypt. Which reminds me. Here is my Indy-inspired list of things to do in Cairo:
Feed a monkey wearing a vest
Do not get parasites from said monkey
Teach a monkey to Sieg Heil
Eat dates, being careful to avoid the poisoned ones
Have a rooftop dinner and proclaim Cairo "City of the living, a paradise on Earth"
Pay a shady man with an eyepatch for information
Have a chase through the souk
End the chase by dismissively shooting a swordsman
Overturn every basket being carried on someone's head
Drink myself into oblivion while mourning the loss of my true love
Read (or act like I can) hieroglyphs
Break into a tomb, preferably one filled with snakes

38:55 - How many henchmen does Indy kill vs them killing each other? I'm thinking it's 50-50.

39:55 - That is one smart monkey. Even smarter than Koko.

40:25 - Some people think it's racist when Indy shoots the swordsman. I disagree. It works on several levels -- the American/Western influence that overwhelms the traditional values of honor and one-on-one combat, or just Indy caring more about surviving than an outmoded sportsmanship for edged-weapons combat.

40:45 - "You can't do this to me, I'm an American!" Heh.

42:10 - I'm 99.99% sure that John Williams is reusing a lot of his Star Wars trilogy music here.

42:50 - Hey! I understand all that German now! Go me!

43:30 - "I oughtta kill you right now." I've always wanted to say that. Especially to a waiter in France.

45:00 - Does anyone else think that Belloq is more annoying simply by virtue of his French accent? He might as well be wearing a "Vote Vichy!" t-shirt. And why do we need a radio to speak to God? Isn't S/He omnipotent? Does this imply that normal prayers go to God's answering service? Fing Belloq, badmouthing the Supreme Being.

49:20 - That was one well-trained monkey. Do you think he went to some covert ops monkey training school? Ironic that he was brought down by his master's poisoned dates. But you know what they say, "don't trust a superspy monkey around poisoned dates."

52:50 - OK, not only did the Nazis have the wrong size staff, but they also used the wrong hole. Insert your own Nazi-sexual incompetence joke here. Double points if you include Chamberlain!

54:00 - I think EVERY city should have a map room. Why? Well, the obvious reenactments, but also it gives you a 3-D way to see changes in the city.

56:00 - I'm not an expert on relationships, but I'm pretty sure leaving Marion tied up & exposed to potential sexual assault by her sleazy captors is going to be a lifelong bone of contention between the two.

57:15 - The Nazis wearing black leather gloves in the heat -- creepy or full-on crazy?

58:50 - I'm going out on a limb and saying that most archaeological digs don't get their own supernatural lightning storms.

59:50 - Indy's really channeling his inner Jack (or in German) here, isn't he?

1:00:55 - "Asps. Very dangerous. You go first." I'm pretty sure that the anti-imperialist in Salah loved this line.

1:02:30 - Jesus, Belloq's not just French, he's skeevy, too. Not that anyone's surprised by that.

And, with our protagonists both on the edge of terrifying encounters (Belloq nookie or snakes, pick your poison), I shall call it a post. Come back for part 2!

* How will Lucas shit on our memories in this one?
** That's a photocopy for you 21st century readers
*** In retrospect, this wasn't a smart move. Not a lot of ancient mystical statistical weapons. Except, you know, the Gaussian Curve... OF DEATH!!!
**** Feel free to discuss WHICH ex.

Monday, March 07, 2011

WTF? Dream Edition

I think Karneval has infected my subconscious. Last night I had a dream (no doubt spurred by me trying to figure out what to do for Easter) where I was traveling with 3 friends. We flew to Italy, and then were taking a train to somewhere when we decided to get off the train for unclear reasons. Now, normal people would take their luggage with them. We did not. So we took an overnight stopover, then headed back the next day to the train station to get our luggage -- on the premise that it would be on the same train, albeit 1 day later. It was as we were taking a cab* to the train station that Dream JT** realized that this was idiotic. Not because the bags wouldn't be there -- but because we'd lost our hotel reservation at the final destination by not showing up or calling. However, the most bizarre part was that we were almost late for the train because we had to wait for Scott to pack his bags -- full of pine tree branches.

Can I outsource my dreaming to a more competent subconscious mind?

* Dream JT's laziness to cheapness ratio is apparently higher than Reality JT's
** Coincidentally, this is how all my girlfriends refer to me

Wednesday, March 02, 2011


While I like to think of myself as witty, my humor tends to be more sarcastic* than actual wit. I did have a good one-liner today, though.

Me: What's your Karneval costume going to be?**
Coworker: You probably won't recognize it; I'm going as a German DJ
Me (not missing a beat): So, you're going to suck, then?

* And bitter
** This question and its response is roughly 84% of pre-Karneval conversation at work this week

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Karneval Costume Ideas: Current Events

More Karneval ideas! But it's a bit of a tradition to dress up to mock news figures, and it's been a generous year so far.

Hosni Mubarak: VERY shiny black wig, suit, and sign (preferably sandwich board) that reads, "Will Dictate For Food"

Muammar Gaddafi (your spelling may vary): Wrap yourself in drapes, get a pathetic set of chin-pubes and babble about how al-Qaeda and the West are conspiring to oust you.

Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg: Get a box for a photocopier (you DO have one, right?) and label it "Guttenberg Research Labs"

Silvio Berlusconi: A Grim Reaper mask, slicked-back hair, an Italian suit (or AC Milan jersey in a pinch) and dolls (perferably toddlers or young girls) on each hand.

John Galliano: Get a Dior t-shirt, then slap a swastika on it. Not recommended for readers residing in Germany*.

* Which, of course, kind of defeats the purpose of a Karneval costume, I guess.