Sunday, February 26, 2012

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates - Leap Day

30 Rock was here for me, now I'm here for you. Well, my "here", not your "here", but I guess you figured that. Unless you're hiding in my apartment, then I guess it's both. If you are, can you do the dishes? I just can't be bothered. As always, I'm here to sort the various potential Facebook status updates into Appropriate and Inappropriate -- because that's how I roll. Mildly amusing, unoriginal and pretty lazy: that's my rollery*, all right.

- wrote lyrics to the Cantina Song from Star Wars
- has a bet with his business school roommates as to who can make the most money on Leap Day
- is starting to think that Leap Day William isn't even real

- thinks the Young Nazi Boy is the star of "The Sound of Music"
- is on a Sexual Walkabout
- thinks we have a slut-off on our hands
- is... Awwww, dammit, hot bitches
- can't have candy and cigarettes without a few tears
- started experimenting... with liberalism
- reminds you that a gym teacher on a sex tour of Indonesia called -- he wants his shirt back

* Get THEE to a rollery, Shakespeare

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Definition - Drinker's Pocket

After another long day/night of Karneval festivities, I woke up the next morning to a HUGE pile of coins -- 20 Euro worth. Which led Jason to define "drinker's pocket" -- a pocketful of change the morning after a night out. Since our rounds always left 1 or 2* Euro over, we slowly accumulated a large amount of change. This is a phenomenon unknown in the USA, as the custom is to a) use credit cards and b) tip. Neither applies in the Dorf!

* I don't believe in spelling out "one" or "two"

Friday, February 24, 2012

I'm Sleeping Wrong!

So, apparently, this whole "sleep 8 hours straight" stuff is modern BS*. An isolation study has shown that given enough continuous darkness, people settle into a sleep pattern of 4 hours, then an hour or two of awake time, then 4 more hours. Which is actually refreshing to me, as I've done this more than a few times over the last year**. This is backed up by more than 500 historical references to "first sleep", "second sleep", etc. These references disappear around the time of round-the-clock lighting in cities and disappear completely in the 1920s.
So don't fret the next time you wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble going to sleep -- you're just getting in touch with your roots.

* If you're a conservative, feel free to insert your own "liberal media" rant here. But be careful -- this has been happening for hundreds of years.
** I thought I had trouble sleeping, apparently I was just kickin' it old school.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates - The Tuxedo Begins

30 Rock is back! As always, I'm here to sort the various potential Facebook status updates into Appropriate and Inappropriate -- because everyone loves arbitrary binary distinctions.

- thinks New York is the world capitol of culture, finance and King Kong attacks
- is on the verge of class war
- does his hair by sticking his head in a cotton candy machine
- is running for mayor -- slogan to come
- has a Chewbacca costume made from used hair extensions

- wonders where a young prostitute gets started in this town
- only plays blondes, non-Irish redheads and sex robots
- is a selfish filth monster
- has a criminal skull shape
- is pregnant with a kitty cat
- is unpacking the sex monkey he bought in Jakarta

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Narcissism Day!

If you're like me*, you're probably not a huge fan of Valentine's Day. If you're single, it's a ginormous reminder that you're alone. If you're not single, it's a minefield.
Personally, the V-Days that I spent with significant others have been almost universally underwhelming**. But what do to instead?
Narcissism Day. That's right -- love yourself. Spa day? Mani/pedi? Good workout at the gym? Whatever works for you. For me, on the inaugural Narcissism Day, I went with GSW: Gym, Steak, Wine.

It was quite nice, and the company was impeccable***. So, tell Hallmark to shove it, and take time today to celebrate... yourself. You deserve it****.

* If you're lucky, you're not
** If you're an ex and wondering, "was I one of the positives?" Sure, why not?
*** OK, fine. Mildly peccable, at most.
**** Shit, if I deserve it, you definitely do.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Lighten Up, Picasso

So, the annual Düsseldorf Kunstakademie Rundgang (the Art Academy Open House) was this weekend. A separate post will follow, but by far the most memorable was the woman above doing a performance art piece. She was just standing and reading under a fake bus stop sign. When I asked her when the next bus was due (in German), she replied with a long-winded spiel about how she was doing a piece to cause us to reflect on the cost of modern economy on our daily lives. She did not mention if waiting until the night before her annual project was due* was a comment on modern arts education and the dehumanization it causes. But I think it was implied.

But I pride myself on my kind, generous** nature, so I have a few follow-up ideas she can use:

  • Stand in her lingerie behind a pane of glass to comment on the dehumanizing nature of prostitution
  • Stand with an umbrella to comment on the dehumanizing nature of rain
  • Stand while texting to comment on the dehumanizing nature of text messaging
  • Stand while looking at a painting to comment on the dehumanizing nature of art
  • Stand while watching a video of a previous performance of her own to comment on the dehumanizing nature of performance art
  • Stand while looking at this webpage to comment on the dehumanizing nature of jackass bloggers

* Yes, I'm assuming, but I feel pretty confident in my assumption.
** Several of my friends choked on their drinks when I said this. Crazy timing, right?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates: Hey, Baby, What's Wrong

30 Rock is back! As always, I'm here to sort the various potential Facebook status updates into Appropriate and Inappropriate -- it's how I give back to the little people*. This week was a double episode**, so lots to enjoy. And did IKEA pay for product placement when half the episode was mocking the experience of shopping there?

- is 0-for-40*** on Valentine's Day
- moved to this country to avoid an embarrassing regifting incident
- thinks of Valentine's Day as the burning of a Catholic loudmouth
- is almost listening
- looks like a Far Side drawing
- has organized several dog-and-pony shows and is offended by what you're implying
- is not a vampire, just a night-owl with a terrible garlic allergy
- is going to be up all night stabbing gators
- has to go walk around the park, maybe forever
- wonders if our ape overlords will let us celebrate Valentine's 100 years from now

- has never Mommy-Daddy-sheet-monstered himself
- is living at a 24-Hour Fitness
- is powerless as long as they stay in international waters
- thinks Valentine's is scumbag Christmas
- loves baseball -- the hard bats, Jeter's thighs in those pants...

* Like, say, you
** So was the night I went off my seizure meds then went clubbing. Rim shot!
*** Or will be -- next year

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Lost Posts: FIFA Is Warning You

So, FIFA isn't just about pissing off fans by not showing replays in the stadiums* and awarding World Cups to oil-rich nations with no compunctions or laws against bribes -- they're about safety. And as this list of items prohibited from the stadiums** shows, they leave no stone unturned. Actually the one thing they do leave off the list is stones. I guess not many Palestinian/Israeli*** kids go to World Cup matches. So, Left to Right****, Top to Bottom****, here's the list:

  • No Weapons, including nunchuks. Don't want any ninjas starting shit at games!
  • No Pyrotechnics. Though Germans have FIVE different variations of fireworks.
  • No Gas aerosols. Other aerosols are apparently ok.
  • No Paper rolls. I have to say, it looks like toilet paper. God forbid people bring their own.
  • No Glassware or bottles. Though Germans aren't allowed to bring cans. Suckers.
  • No face coverings. Do you think they intentionally made the person look more like a ninja than someone in a burqa?
  • No banners. Well, no big ones.
  • No animals. Also no exceptions for seeing eye dogs. The blind -- another group for Sepp to give the finger to.
  • No mechanical/electric devices to make noise. Also, vuvuzuelas.
  • No umbrellas. "FIFA Women's World Cup 2011 -- Let's All Get Wet Together!" Probably not their slogan of choice.
  • No cameras for commercial purposes. FIFA will let this one slide, unless they think they can get a cut.
* or even in the stadia
** ditto
*** sure it's racist, but who else throws rocks?
**** I feel that randomly capitalizing words is helping me with my German

Monday, February 06, 2012

Live Blogging: Super Bowl XLVI 2012 1st Quarter

Here I am again! My tentative plans to watch the game from Germany's largest Super Bowl party (at a bar/club here in the 'dorf) or the most fun (at my friend T's) were kiboshed by the bitterly cold weather and me having to be at work early tomorrow, respectively. So instead I'm going to live blog from my couch. I'll give real time stamps to emphasize how late it is.

12:26 am - What was the deal with how angry the Pats captains were with Tuck?
12:28 am - One advantage of German TV coverage -- constant sideline shots of Sebastian Vollmer.
12:29 am - Did you know that "Madonna: Die Haltimeshow" premieres tonight? I do, thanks to the infographic.
12:30 am - Yeah, "gute lauf" apparently doesn't mean "good run", since getting the kickoff to the 23 isn't a good run in most books.
12:32 am - People are CONSTANTLY telling me to watch German TV to improve my deutsch skills. Like tonight I learned that "der Go-To-Guy" means "the go-to guy"
12:35 am - Wow. The announcer just went completely bat-shit crazy over a first-down catch. He might have an aneurysm if there's a game-winning TD catch
12:38 am - First Super Bowl commercial break! And we get... shitty ads for internet service and a big box store. And the Mach 3 razor!
12:39 am - And this live blog is brought to you by Budvar Dark, so very tasty!
12:41 am - So, who gets credit for first points scored on a prop bet? Brady? Field? And, to be fair, Brady's ego was probably outside the tackle box
12:44 am - Several shots of Vollmer, but they kind of gloss over the fact that it was his man that hurried Brady
12:49 am - Is anyone else amazed at how sloppy the Pats are so far?
12:51 am - Cruuuuuuuuz! Yet the announcers were far happier with a Bradshaw run earlier in the drive. Very odd. Not as odd as the half-hearted swipe by the DB while Cruz was still juggling the catch. You'd think they didn't survive two weeks ago by a last-ditch swipe.
12:53 am - Germans are not big fans of humorous commercials with football.
12:58 am - Does anyone else think that Belichick is killing a series of homeless men to make a mannequin to model his hoodies?
1:00 am - The announcer is pretty clearly a Giants fan, based on his lack of excitement over this drive. Or his pregame drugs are wearing off.
1:01 am - Can someone tell Ross on the Giants that strutting after the Pats get a first down makes him look like a self-centered douche? And that Ray Lewis patented that move?
1:08 am - OK, the first quarter is done. And I'm going to stop blogging as my shitty new internet isn't working. Ugh.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Super Bowl QB Analysis

You've hit CNNSI, ESPN, even Univision for pre-Super Bowl analysis, all hoping to catch a tip on the winner. Well, I don't have that. What I do have is an in-depth analysis of how the two starting QBs compare on a comedic level.

First, we hit videos. Which one has the best comedy videos on the web? You judge:
Eli Manning - Meek clown of football

Eli Manning - With his brothers on the Simpsons

Tom Brady - shower target of the Family Guy

Tom Brady - On SNL explaining sexual harassment in the workplace:

Verdict: While the Manning's Onion bit was better, Brady takes it with two solid videos, highlighted by his SNL stint. Edge? Brady.

Next? The Onion articles -- Here it's not even close. Manning throws a "big-boy touchdown", declares a favorite down ('"On second down, there's not so much pressure. You can just hang out in the pocket and do what you want without people yelling. I wish every down was second down." Manning later added that his other favorite down is actually when the opposing team has second down, because that's when literally nothing is expected of him.'), and has an infographic:
Brady, meanwhile, had fewer articles, all related to his handsomeness. His female fans checked out of the season in 2008 when he was injured, he sits a game due to not being handsome, coach Belichick throws acid in his face because he was too beautiful, and his autobiography which covers all the awesomeness of being Tom Brady, "From the highest highs of winning two NFL MVP awards and marrying a Brazilian supermodel, to the more moderate highs of being a record-setting quarterback for the University of Michigan, this memoir is very personal and doesn't hold back".

So, final edge? I would say Manning, since all of Brady's jokes revolve around his handsomeness. However, the real winners are us. Because we can mock both of them.

Thursday, February 02, 2012

New York: Art and Snark

I tend to get my art fix when I travel. And while the Guggenheim decided that Thursday was a great day to close*, the Met and MoMA both somehow soldiered on. So, I went, enjoyed the pretty pictures and moved on.


  • The Near East collection -- I love me some Assyrian/Babylonian/Akkadian art. Sadly, none seems to have kept its pigment like the Egyptian art, but it's just cool. I think part of this is how it appeals to the inner child in me that loves comics -- the muscular, otherworldly gods mixing with the lowlifes and kings alike. And, beards!
  • The temp exhibits at the Met (that don't allow photos -- jerks) were great -- Indian art, Japanese story paintings, and satirical drawings Free thai curry at the MoMA? Oh, yes! Finally, as a Citi "employee"**, free entry into the two museums

* Note to the Guggenheim: don't be closed on Thursday
** I have a mild 4th-dimensional displacement from my job

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Noshing New York

I was only there for 3 days, and I was sick for most of it, but I did manage a few good meals. The highlights:

  • Best breakfast: Definitely the Everything Bagel with plain cream cheese from Ess-A-Bagel
  • Best dish: The okra from ... the indian restaurant I'm still searching for the card from. A-ma-zing. Crispy, no grease, and so tasty. Seriously. Take the best okra you've ever had, hit it with gamma rays of taste, and you have this. It hulked out all other okra.
  • Best dessert: I almost said the chocolate stout from the Heartland Brewery. But it was the rather amazing cupcake from the van outside the Met. Sure, it was a cupcake, so choosing it is like shooting fish in a barrel, but it was incredible. Sue me.