Tuesday, March 27, 2012

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates - Grandmentor

Two in a row!

- is a big shot, with his suits and a desk lamp he controls
- is dressing as Mitt Zombie for Halloween
- believes in two things -- fast money and fast curves

- is home -- and he brought back some oriental sex powders
- definitely has a penis
- is playing a Korean party whore
- is making every room a bathroom
- turned down intercourse with Harvey Weinstein on no less than three occasions -- out of five
- sees the endgame of feminism as women dressing like Dennis the Menace at work
- thinks rosé wine pairs well with failed suicide

Saturday, March 24, 2012

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates - St. Patrick's Day

Kenneth is now The Man? Shocking! But also not good for status updates.  So, even though it's a week late, here it is!

- is honoring Ireland's great accomplishments, like Michael Lohan and vomiting into a bagpipe
- is riding out Hurricane Shamrock laughing at excerpts "Angela's Ashes"
- reminds you that St. Patrick's only worldly possession was "no snakes"
- is giving you two minutes to fill a sock with quarters before we go outside
- Solo'ed you

- is writing a meandering play about how awesome the Irish are at not overcoming adversity
- can't wait til the Asians take over
- is praying to Michael Jackson's ghost/the Great Kabbalah monster
- is wearing glass beads to the Pirates' Ball
- is a virgin... with white guys

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates - Standards and Practices

Kenneth is now The Man? Shocking! But also not good for status updates!

- is not your usual sitcom crap full of vulgarity and pratfalls
- is being a real... dingbat
- hired a Cato to attack me at random -- like Inspector Clouseau
- once took a log with googly eyes to a father-son picnic

- learned this from Glenn Beck's prostitute
- could be a pirate, or a warlord's concubine
- had Fruit Roll-Ups for dinner -- at a strip club

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I'm Running The Long Con

The Game: Spend 3 years convincing my friends Rumpy & Pumpy that I'm a "nice guy". Then, after lulling them into complacency with food and wine, swap a stuffed animal for the swag and Bob's your uncle. By the time they realize it, I'm long gone*.

The Problem: How to convince them that my new dog that looks suspiciously like their missing dog is not, in fact, their dog.

Any suggestions?

* By "gone" I mean "asleep"

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Everyday is Narcisscism Day!

Well, every Saturday. Tasty Zin*, meh bubbly (room for improvement!), steak, roasted garlic*-rosemary mash and broccoli with shaved*** cheddah****. As you can see:

Not shown: first strawberries of the season and dark chocolate for dessert. One must keep the food porn to reasonable levels, after all. Also not shown: the Moscow Mule for a post-dinner drink.

* 2008 Artezin Zin, if you're wondering. And why do all California Zin producers feel the need to pun? They know it makes us want to, um, punch them, right? Ugh, now the jackholes have me doing it.
** It may be overdone in restaurants, but it's damned tasty
*** Not waxed!
**** Thanks, Margaret/Meg/Mags/M'Lou & Dan!

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Get It Together, Drinkify

Someone had the brilliant/insane idea to mix Spotify with a drink catalog. Type in a band name, it gives you a drink "appropriate" for the music. Sadly, it seems to be based on names, not music or the artists' personalities. Some examples:
  • Snoop Dogg - "The Snoop Dogg" (10 oz. each gin, wheatgrass juice, lemon juice) -- Nice call!
  • Amy Winehouse - "The Amy Winehouse" (1 bottle cabernet) -- Good call, if you make it a case instead of a bottle
  • Rolling Stones - "The Rolling Stones" (10 oz. rum with a garnish of cocktail onions) -- Not really going to give you the satisfaction you need
  • U2 - "The U2" (10 oz. vodka with a garnish of nutmeg) -- TEN ounces? Really? EIGHT shots? For the Stones, sure, but U2?
  • Whitney Houston - "The Whitney Houston" (4 oz. vodka with a garnish of cocktail onions) -- Whitney gets less than half the booze that Bono does?
  • Michael Jackson - "The Michael Jackson" (8 oz. Red Bull with a garnish of nutmeg*) -- no booze, so he can share it with his date?
  • Toby Keith - "The Toby Keith" (8 oz. Maker's Mark with a garnish of shrimp) -- Shrimp? Pork Rinds, I could understand, but shrimp?
  • Meatloaf - "The Meatloaf" (8 oz. each bourbon and cough syrup**, 10 oz. wheatgrass -- stir quickly) -- probably the only veggies Meatloaf will have this month
  • Nickelback - "The Nickelback" (2 oz. each Rip Van Winkle bourbon, worcestershire sauce, 10 oz. Laphroig scotch with a garnish of nutmeg) -- seriously? More nutmeg? I do think the top-shelf brands are appropriate in a drink you won't be able to appreciate either.

But JTinGermany is nothing if not helpful***, so here are my suggestions for the less-than-satisfying

  • Snoop Dogg - "The Snoop Dogg" -- No change needed, except you should drink it out of a paper bag
  • Amy Winehouse - "The Amy Winehouse" -- Again, just a matter of quantity
  • Rolling Stones - "The Rolling Stones" (Vodka, rum, and gin with lime juice and plenty of brown sugar) -- Lots of booze and it tastes so good
  • U2 - "The U2" (A shot of St. Brendan's dropped into a pint of Guinness. Drink it in one go!) -- We're taking back the Irish Car Bomb for a more peaceful world. I would also accept a Bloody Sunday -- tequila in a Bloody Mary
  • Whitney Houston - "The Whitney Houston" (4 oz. of the most expensive gin available, lime wedge and a dash of tonic water, garnish with mint/celery dipped in powdered sugar) -- The mint should garnish one's nose with sugar and the drinker should constantly complain that the drink isn't strong enough****
  • Michael Jackson - "The Michael Jackson" (Kool-Aid and rohypnol) -- Also known as a Father Murphy*****
  • Toby Keith - "The Toby Keith" (Domestic American macrobrew, Coors Light or cheaper, in a Red Solo Cup) -- Feel free to spread the rumor that you came up with this drink on your own
  • Meatloaf - "The Meatloaf" (Large Chocolate Fudge Brownie milkshake with 2 shots of vodka, garnish with a donut) -- Also known as the Breakfast of Champions******
  • Nickelback - "The Nickelback" (5 oz. white vinegar, 5 oz. Fiji water, dash of lemon juice, garnish with bottled oxygen and serve in a striped shirt) -- God, I hate these guys

* What's the obsession with nutmeg?
** Sounds like Meatloaf was trying to make a Flaming Homer
*** So, I guess it's nothing
**** Too soon?
***** Taking this drink off the menu is called a Pope Benedict
****** I have this feeling Meatloaf is sober, but googling's a lot of work

Friday, March 02, 2012

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates - Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky

Can I make a small request of the 30 Rock writers/producers/overlords? How about short titles? "Leap Day" was not only a great episode, but an all-time great episode title. "Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing goddamned Whisky"? Really? Why not make the booze Irish to throw in an extra 'e'

- will defrost an ox for you
- Balloon!
- is beside some sort of pizza demon
- has never crushed anyone... except accused witches*
- is 4 credits shy of a degree in bro studies

- prefers the term "adultophobe"
- barely made it through the 80s without having sex with Belinda Carlisle
- has a sofa made from Seabiscuit
- is sick from the sight of you -- and the crayons he ate earlier
- doesn't know much about worldly things, like taco meat or having all your fingers

* Damn you for beating me to this one, Steve