Sunday, July 29, 2012

Germany's Olympic Gymnastics Mom

So I'm watching the Olympics, and it's a big change from NBC's normal presentation of the good Americans vs the evil (if successful) or plucky (if not) foreign competition. And in "women's" gymnastics, I was surprised when what appeared to be one of the coaches started competing for Germany. She wasn't the usual 19-20 year-old prepubescent you see in Olympic gymnastics -- this woman appeared to be an actual adult. So I did some checking, and she is. She just turned 37 and she's in Olympic gymnastics. That's the equivalent of a 55 year-old playing Olympic hoops. Nice work, Oksana Chusovitina

According to the Sacramento Bee, this is her fourth Olympics, after 2008, 1996 and 1992! She's also competed for 3 countries -- the united post-Soviet team, Uzbekistan and Germany.

Good Morning, Sunshine

It's really a shame that I woke up at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep. Otherwise I would have had the pleasure of being awoken at 10:35am to a beautiful sunny day with a neighbor saying loudly, but calmly, "Go away. The police are on their way." Repeatedly. And in British-accented* English.

Unfortunately, due to the acoustics of my apartment's courtyard, I wasn't able to see either the source or the target of the yelling, so I don't know why the police were on their way, but I'm reasonably sure that they were.

Now back to my coffee and Kindle!

* It wasn't Scottish- or Northern Irish-accented English, but it might've been Welsh.  Or, to be fair, South African.  Or Dutch. I should just be honest and say that the man definitely was not sporting a North American accent.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

You Stay Classy, GOP

All the news that's fit to print -- who would be thorough enough in their coverage of the upcoming GOP convention in Tampa to consider the effect on local strippers? The Grey Lady, that's who. And what did Angelina Spencer, the executive director of the trade association* for strip clubs, have to say on the comparative tipping habits of the two parties?  The GOP makes it rain -- $150 on average instead of the stingy Dems' measly $50 average.

Other snarkable tidbits:
  • When the Promise Keepers were in town, they would come to the clubs wearing their badges.  Clearly these guys were keeping their sexual purity promise.
  • One of the clubs is bringing in a dancer who looks exactly like an unnamed "certain ex-governor from a wilderness state, known for her strong jaw and devotion to guns and God." I need to channel my inner Sherlock Holmes to solve this riddle. 
  • One of the dancers only does it because she was laid off from her job and she needs to save money for nursing school.  I'm assuming the reporter wants you to make air quotes around "nursing school".

* I always thought it was Tasselers Anonymous.  It's not.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Why Charles Barkley Is Awesome

He's just like a big, lovable teddy bear with no filter -- that likes to drink and gamble. In an interview with, he drops these nuggets:

  • When offered truffle cauliflower soup at a restaurant: "I don't know what a damn truffle is, and I sure as hell don't want no damn cauliflower"
  • On sports announcers: "You all suck. You guys don't have any fun. You're not curing cancer, you're not policemen. Have some damn fun."
  • When the interviewer says that he only knows how to be a sports reporter: "And I'm not sure you can do that." 

The Chuckster may be retired, but he's still in form.  He even does a good Shaq impression:

Monday, July 23, 2012

Tony Parker -- Nerd Don Juan

Sure, he's a sleazy French asshat -- he cheats on Eva-fing-Longoria with his teammate's wife, but he's also proving that nerds can not only play hoops but also get with the ladies.
 He keeps his nerd credentials with his glasses and by having a German kids' candy (nerds love their foreign candy) sponsor his team.  Kareem and Kurt Rambis both tried to cash in on their nerd credentials, but neither had sufficient mojo. Can Parker become the prophesied Nerd Lothario*?  Only the Olympics can tell -- but if I were Lolo Jones, I'd pass on dinner with the smoooooooth-talking French nerd.

After all, if cartoons taught me anything about French men, it's that they are smooth-talking, smelly date rapists.

* Nerdthario?

Saturday, July 21, 2012

NASA Finds Cave on Mars, Possibly Trolls

NASA, in their usual understated fashion, has found a cave on Mars which may support life. 
 According to NASA, "Holes such as this are of particular interest because their interior caves are relatively protected from the harsh surface of Mars, making them relatively good candidates to contain Martian life." The post goes on to say, "Whether this life is in the form of cave trolls, dwarves or even a Martian Batman, we can't say. But the office pool currently is giving the best odds on the life being rabid Martian bats. And trust us, you don't want Martian rabies."

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Flybe: When Half-Assed Is Too Competent

I booked a Flybe flight from Edinburgh to the 'dorf via Manchester a few months back, and I never received my confirmation. There was a charge on my credit card* with a ticket number (roughly 200 digits) but no reference code.

A few weeks later, I get a call at work about "a slight schedule change" that they said would only make me leave a few minutes earlier than my original 3:15pm departure.  I said sure, and they claimed they would send a confirmation.  They did not.

So I get to Edinburgh after searching all my email accounts** to no avail.  I arrive at the Flybe desk at 1:30pm and present my passport.  They claim I have no flight.  I find my ticket number and they say that the check-in desk staff can't deal with it, but the ticket desk can.  They point me in the right direction.

As I walk, I hear this chunk of an announcement: ... FLYBE flight XXX to Southhampton is canceled. I think, "poor bastards" and keep walking.

I get to the desk, give them my ticket number, and they say, "Oh, yes.  You WERE on the flight to Manchester, but now you're on the flight to Southhampton." They pause and give each other a weighted look. "But you've... missed that.  We'll see if we can put you on the original one."  They mutter to each other about how they don't know why i was changed, then print out my ticket and send me on my way.

I board the flight to Manchester, then disembark only to find there is no gate for my next flight. I head to the "lounge" which is populated almost entirely by young (and wish-they-were-still-young) women that look like they're about to head to the club.  When my gate is announced, I trek back in the same direction I came.  As I look out the windows, there's only 1 Flybe plane on the tarmac, and it looks pretty damn familiar.

I get to the gate, MY gate, and board the plane.  The morons at Flybe not only changed my flight, but they rescheduled me to arrive later and to disembark on a layover.  Ugh.  Dolts.  To top it off, neither of the flight attendants even vaguely recognized me.  In their defense, it had been 20 minutes since they last saw me.

* Name: JT Richardson. Number: 12345678999999999 Expires: 9/2099 CCV: GFY
** Yes, I have too many.  I know.

Monday, July 16, 2012

My Yahoo Was Hacked

So, Yahoo!* had their customer data hacked, and I'm one of them.  They not only stole my Yahoo!** mail password, but somehow the scammers seem to have gotten into my Facebook AND have the ability to send texts from my phone.

So if any of you receive text messages/emails/Facebook updates from me that seem inappropriate, inebriated or poorly written, they're not just some drunken idiotry by me, they're the work of scammers, who have notoriously bad typing/grammar skill and don't have the filters that you would expect from me.  I apologize in advance***!  Also, any incriminating photos of me are probably being doctored by these guys.  They're quite diabolical and thorough.

* They should drop the exclamation mark, now that it's indicative of just how shitty their management was for so long, since no one has been excited about the company in years.
** Also, it's just annoying to type.  So I'm going to stop.
*** Also in retrospect for those of you who received some this weekend.

Friday, July 13, 2012

You Stay Classy, Fitty

So, 50 Cent ("Fitty" to you kids who think you're cool, but aren't), declared on Twitter (motto: Giving morons a global platform since 2006) that he, "don't want no special ed kids on my time line follow some body else".

First, let's give a shoutout to Fifty Cent for his bold decision to be not just politically incorrect but also grammatically incorrect.  Way to stick it to The Man, Fitty!

Second, doesn't this smack of desperation?  A rapper whose success has lagged and then insults large portions of the population? There's no such thing as bad publicity and all that.

Third, why didn't he just grab the insensitivity by the horns and say "I don't want no retards..."?  In for a penny, in for a pound?*

Finally, rather than do my little snark thing, this time I'm taking a stand.  That's why I tweeted this to Fitty: @50 Cent I don't want any grammatically-challenged jackholes on my time line. Thanks for not following me!

* I managed to avoid the obvious currency joke here.  I'm growing!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

My Personal Trainer/Mohel

I always thought my personal trainer was too nice to be real. And tonight I found out I was right. Tonight she was taking measurements*, and talking about what she would do. "I'll take your blood pressure, measure your body fat, circumsize you..." I rudely interrupted to say, "no, you won't be doing that."

Sure, she claims that she meant "measure my waist circumference", but I'm not sure. However, her new get-tough attitude has me resolved to a) work out more regularly and eat right and b) be sure to carefully check out her workout tights to make sure there's no scalpel hidden. At least that's what I'll tell her.

* Spoiler alert: I'm getting fatter. It's quite depressing